Red Lipstick & Melodies

Don't Make Me Barf ALL Over You.

2012-01-31T23:15:00.002-07:00

Hi.

My name is Shaylynn.

I was born in Layton, Utah.

My parents conceived me on Christmas, and notified me of my conception date therefor ruining a beautiful Holiday.

I hope its all ruined for you guys too at one point, if you haven't asked, you should. (the day you were conceived is what I mean by that of course, I hope Christmas isn't ruined for any of you)

They tried for a year to get me to come to earth.

You can bet your life that I was up there.. goin.. "awww, no way..." and one of my friends pushed me down the chute, laughing.

On the day I was brought home from that hosptial that everyone dies at now a days, my oldest sibling Jordan pushed me off the couch. He was 12. Jk, like 2 1/2, anyway...

So whenever I do anything dumb, I blame it on that.

Back on subject.

In preschool I copied this girl next to me.

Her ceramic plate was shockingly the same as mine.

It's one of my first childhood memories.

My first boyfriend was Ryan, we kissed every day before preschool.

I bet he's still not even kinda close to over me.

Life moved on.
Kindergarten.. parents seperate/dad leaves us.
He comes back.
Epic.

In first grade I won an art contest, for Just Say No to drugs.

Meanwhile on my 19th birthday my friend Brooke and myself bought a pack of cigarettes, because it was finally legal.

I almost died.

Turns out I have a lung condition which hates smoke.

Needless to say I don't smoke.

And I didn't "Just Say No.." I should've... You don't always die from tobacco... I sing that song pretty regularly, and I try to mimic the voice.

For some reason I can't remember a lick from first or second grade.

A little thing I like to call repressed memories.

I nearly drowned when I was 7, my brother saved my little life, that sweetheart.

My third grade teacher had polio.

My fourth grade teacher was Satan herself.

My fifth grade teacher.. well she made me cry once because she asked me to put my pencil lead away. It was hard.

In sixth grade everyone had smelly markers but me, but I bet had more brain cells.

Oh yes, and in 4th grade, I dipped a girls hair into rubber cement over and over again on the bus ride home.

She put Elmer's glue in mine, so I just one upped her.

Whoops.

Her name was Flo, like the period.

Junior High.

I spent the first year looking homeless.

and so on.
Hated it.

High School was pretty useless.

The best friends went to Layton, my mother hated me and made me go to Davis.

I hardly graduated, but I managed.

But I did end up getting engaged.

That ended as soon as I figured out that I managed to somehow get myself engaged at 18, and I wasn't even pregnant. WTF.

Graduated.

Parents divorced.

Dad almost died.

Broke up with boys several dozen times, or four times.

Moved around, a lot.

Dad remarried day after my parents divorce was finalized, cute huh.

Mom married that one man who I learned to love.

Mom married that one man who we call Dad and he stole her away to Pennsylvania.

Yuck.

I was in a serious relationship.

I stayed here.

We broke up.

We got back together.

We broke up.

*I'm leaving out all sorts of juicy details on purpose*

*trauma*

oh and more

*trauma*
Tattoo.

Worst year ever.

And all sorts of hell broke loose and was so lost that search and rescue had to be called in.

Oh wait, once I really did get lost in the mountains.

I was 16.

By search and rescue I mean this broken girl had a full blown nervous break down, and therapist and hospitalizations were necessary.

Depression.

It was everywhere.

Anyway..

So back east I went.

Hey mom!

Hey Shay, lets fix you, you're clearly broken.

Eat this!

Sleep less!

Stay awake!

Go to the doctor!

Gain weight!

Smile more!

Go to therapy!

Don't say that!

How are you feeling?

Blah.

Until lo and behold, one day I got better.

Oh shoot.

Singing and everything!

AWWWWW.

Better.

Two years go by.

I work hard.

I fight a good fight.

I fall short for a while there, but I get my head back on, and I find a way to breathe and live this life, cute.

THEN.

I pack up my car, I drive across the country to the hottest town in Utah, the southern corner of its very world and I start over, in a town where I knew 6 people.

All of which were family.
Met some new people.

Got assaulted by a crazy girl.
Lost it a bit.
Got a second tattoo.
Whoops.

Kinda drank a whole lot.

Kinda struggle with that a whole lot, but I am managing.

Made some friends.

Lost some friends.

Had a boyfriend or two.

Broke up with a boyfriend or two.

Gained weight.

Lost weight.

Slept.

Awake.

You know, I live.

And you know..

Life.

It's flipping hard.

But it also has some wonderful parts..

Hi, my name is Shaylynn.

I'm 27 years old.

If I wanted to be married.

I would be married.

I had the chance.

Many times.

But it wasn't time.

It wasn't right for me, and it wasn't right for him.

Everywhere I have gone.

Every single person I have met has brought me to where I am today.

It's all been crucial.

My life was different then most.

My heart beat so differently for such a long time.

And it's just been a crazy, long, emotional, hilarious adventure.

And if I have one more person, seriously one more human being ask me why I'm not married.

Why I don't have children.

If I want children.

If I want to be married..

ANY OF IT.

I'm just going to carry this blog post around in my pocket and read it to them.. start to finish..

and say..

Don't make me barf ALL over you.

My life has been full.

My life has been rich.

And it's O freakin K that I am not married.

Or dating anyone for that matter.

Being alone is not bad.

Sometimes being with someone however, is bad.

I'm not infertile.

I'm not defective at 27, I'm just me..

And I'm figuring it all out..
My parents divorcing did not teach me to afraid of marriage.
It taught me to be careful, it taught me to be wise.
My mothers husband and their relationship has taught me what marriage is.
My parents marriage taught me what it shouldn't be.
I'm neither afraid nor dependant on the idea of marriage.
I'm just me.
Sometimes I'm just plain happy.
And sometimes I wake up evil.
It's just me.
I'm just me.

I have wrinkles around my eyes when I smile now.

It's okay.

They're marks of a life lived, and fought through and for.

And just because I might joke here and there..

and announce that my tubes have tied just by looking at certain children..

doesn't mean I don't wish for it.

Gees.

Leave me alone, everyone who bugs me.

It's okay.

And do not tell me he's right around the corner.

If I am meant to find "him" I will.

The end.

I bet you didn't know I could tell my life story so quickly.

Oh man.
Or maybe you're exhausted and have fallen over dead.
and I'm never getting another tattoo.

Hoarders: Purse Edition.

2012-01-29T19:12:00.001-07:00

I've been in the blogging world for a while now.

One of my favorite posts that kids do now a days is the..

"Contents of my purse"

They're always so lovely.

Hair product.

Make up.
Mirrors.
Chap stick.

Floss.

Gum.
Guns... ;)
Etc.
I'm a little bit of a skeptic, no one ever has tampons.. so clearly they're not safe to hang out with.

I was telling my friend that I was going to blog my contents, but started laughing.. and realized it would look more like an episode of Hoarders: Purse Edition.

But I am doing it anyways.

Because what is the purpose of life if you can't make fun of yourself?

Answer: no purpose.

Oh, from Target.

In case you wanna copy me.

THEN WE COULD BE TWINS!

I'VE ALWAYS NEVER EVER WANTED A TWIN!

But a fake twin could be grand.

I love presents.

So much.

My birthday is in September, better start saving up guys.

I really cried when I saw it.

Vanity at its finest.

And whenever I get ID'd I explain to them that they told me to look at the stupid star.

Every. Single. Time. I tell them.

Notice how the camera is missing?

Notice how the adapter to the Garmin is missing?

Notice how the white cord for the adapter is missing?

My purse is such a hoarder, I told you.

Kim is a really popular item in my purse.

A little book to your best friend is a perfect gift just so you know.

Brown Sugar & Cinnamon.

It's so wrong.

But it feels so right.

Cherry is winning lately too.

Kali, I know I said I would stop calling myself fat..

I lied.

I feel bad about it.

*oh and I read on a blog the other day that eating healthy makes your hair grow faster*

I totally don't believe her. High Fructose Corn Syrup is where its at.

Fact:

I lose or break my sunglasses annually.

Life is hard.

Courage is complicated.

Life is the worst sometimes.

I don't like them.

But I bring them home for Jordan.. whenever I remember to take them over.

Which happens once in a blue moon, and I've never seen a blue moon in my life, outside of the beer.

Life.

Loss.

(Uhm, totally cool picture right? I have no idea how I did it)

Isn't my neighbors roof just so neat.

The roof was my way of changing the subject, FAST.

Except boy scouts don't need tampons.

But really, if you were a smart boy and wanted to score points, you would have some on hand.

But then she would think you had another lover on the side.

So never mind.
Don't even give me grief for having a diaper in my purse.. guys the first few days are a nightmare. A nightmare. And I'm not even talking about my mood.

My entire high school experience can be summed up with all of my photo booth moments.

Death in a stick probably.

Cute, huh.

I love him.

He gave it to me over the summer.

The end.

Psyche.

There is more!

For the record, I didn't take a picture of a breath mint from Cafe Rio. (In case I get pulled over) (In case I need to make out with someone) (In case I totally forgot to eat it, and I'm going to)

Keys. (boring) (because all this crap is so interesting)

Gum (Trident White)

And my debit card/all those other cards/check book/stamps and some very small bills. (I didn't want y'all thinking I was a stripper) (or some creeper stealing my identity)

Did you know I love my bloggers?

And I want to meet you all.

And I dare you to post your purse contents.

Be brave.

His voice gives me heart palpitations.

P.S. New Post below this post as well.
P.S.S. It's depressing, but I swear I am okay.

The Stars Are Not Wanted.

2012-01-29T19:04:00.002-07:00

W.H Auden wrote,

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

In what has been my favorite poem for as long as I can recall, I hardly breathe whenever I read it's wounded sentences, granted I have memorized each letter. I find it haunting in its beauty. It's raw unraveling of loss. The permanency of love.

I looked at my phone, I read the words.. and as I did my hands shook, every word a bullet.

And then I woke up, my eyes alert to every detail as if sleep had not been my companion for the last 5 hours. I watched the fan on my bedroom ceiling, frozen in it's place for winter, the moon its only light.. And I thought to myself..

This is real?

Yesterday happened?

The sensation of a hole being burned through my stomach, unrelenting.

The reality of yesterday creeping through to today.

I lay awake, feeling the danger in dreaming.

Oh, but reality is just as unkind.

Tomorrow.

All I longed for was tomorrow.

Perhaps not this tomorrow.

The tomorrow where it's easier.

The tomorrow where yesterday feels forgotten.

Breathing is easier today.

Perhaps this is the tomorrow I prayed for.

"I want to know, do I stay or do I go?

And maybe try another time.

And do I really have a hand in my forgetting?"

(uh, ignore the scary doll if you're watching the video, just listen.)

Photo Bombing & Such.

2012-01-28T10:01:00.001-07:00

Let's photo bomb.

What is photo bombing?

Well...

Stick with me and I will show you all I know.

I saw a glimpse into my future with this lady.

Except I am not living past 60 er 47 or 30, abolutely not.

Gross.

I heard this on Hart Of Dixie, and I laughed for 10 minutesish.

Okay, don't judge me for looking so gross in these pictures.

But the photo bombers just mean so much to me.

I had. A. Been crying for an hour straight before meeting up with this kid (I never cry that long, but I did) (still not talking about it)

B. And that nose is just always on my face.

Ryan Star sang to us.

His voice. Oh he is so sexy voice wise.

Losing Your Memory.

Last Train Home.

We made out many times during the course of the concert in my mind.

This hat made me wonder if it was a sexual preference thing or clearly an anger problem/statement.

I just hope he's single.. fingers crossed.. ;)

ChyAnn told me to erase this picture.

I said okay.

I lied to my friend, I feel good about it.

I needed to show you how my upper lip crinkles & I look like I have a manstache.

I can't wait to get old.

I think I need to take up photo bombing.

I've just never done it.

However my friend Brooke clearly does it best.

And I know I look like a beached whale.

A. The Photographer is tiny.

B. The Photgrapher knows to turn in is always key, and to be skinny.

C. My boobs look so weird.

D. Now you're all looking at my boobs.

E. And I don't even care.

We kinda got bored.

Andy Grammer..

You Just Gotta Keep Your Head Up..

Look at his drummer totally bombing this photo.

It's okay.. I watched the drummer a lot.

I threw my bra at him.

Twice.

They left halfway through.

But it was a highlight in my life, none the less.

And because I think its funny.

I have a new fb cover.

I bet it gives all of my friends and family such warm fuzzies.

A week in review, well not really.

I Broke My Own Heart & Kinda Blogged About It..

fought with my stupid car.

I think there were signs this week early on.. that I wouldn't survive this week well..

Putting on my smock backwards.

Squeezing my foundation.. which was a little backed up, only to explode all over the place.

Have you ever done that?

Like volcanic explosion-esc?

I cannot have such emotions first thing in the morning.

Dating is ruining my heart this week too.

I can't read his mind, and its really annoying.

And it's even more annyoing that I care.

I'm not talking about anything else.

I'm defective this week.

But Ingrid Michaelsons new CD is soothing my day.

I know I'm not fat for the record.

I'm just chunky;)

My friend: You should probably stay sober.

Me: That is probably a good idea, but it sounds like the worst idea ever..

My friend: I think she's still laughing, what a jerk.

Happy Saturday.

Try not to be too awesome.

I Can't Even Finish Writing This.

2012-01-26T23:29:00.003-07:00

Jan 26, 2012.

"We do not remember days, we remember moments.." Right? Wrong. I will remember the seconds, minutes, and endless hours of today. I will remember the text, I will remember the words. I will remember the weather, the sun was so kind. I will remember driving in my car, fearful and unwilling to turn on my heater, afraid the warmth would thaw my world and cause me to feel what I was fighting to avoid. I will remember the call I made, I will remember. This isn't a moment, this was a mistake. As whole as I am today, there are bits and pieces of myself still lost in the disease of my life, and the survival mechanisms that I broke in so well.. I am still a girl with a quiet and heavy fight and a past that unfortunately still defines my present when I don't fight hard enough. I allow the memory of wounds to manipulate my heart and mind, and alter my chance to be a version of happy.

I give up on things.

I conclude without rationalization.

I fear that I cause more harm then good.

I break perfectly whole things.

I can't even finish writing this.
I am not even sure how I began.

Big Ol' Fight.

2012-01-23T08:51:00.001-07:00

By the time you're reading this..

my checking account will have already been drained of a sufficent amount of funds, due to my a-hole of a car.

We're in a big A$$ fight.

I hate him.

He's a standard, therefor he's a he.

A conversation between my car & me, it's owner.

Who are we kidding the car own's me.

Me: I'm so pissed at you.

Car: I'm aware. Beep.

Me: When I saw that green crap underneath you the other day, I almost sat down in the parking lot and cried.

Car: I know, I was watching. Your face was priceless. Beep.

Me: Don't you love me anymore?

Car: I haven't loved you since you kicked me in the butt last summer, when you were mad. Don't think, I've forgotten. Beep.

Me: No one will ever believe you.

Car: I've posted a picture on your blog, as proof. I'm a very talented car. Beep.

Me: Oh no you di'nt.

Car: I hope when I'm dead and gone, you'll never kick a car again, no matter how mad you are at someone. Beep.

Me: Oh, gees, just get over it already. I like that dent, I've learned a lot from it.. mostly..

I can't believe it isn't all the pin'in rage.

*I don't pin, fyi*

Me: Don't you remember all the adventures we've had? We've been across the United States together. You took me from Coast to Coast. We've moved 17 different times. Just you and me and boxes full of crap.

Car: Don't bring up the past. Beep.

Me: You're on my last nerve, Charlie.

Car: Don't call me Charlie, you've never named me in 9 years, don't start now. Beep. And WHY aren't you wearing Red Lipstick, Miss Melody? Beep.

Me: You know too much.

Me: Don't you understand that I was planning on using the money I have to now give to the mechanics.. towards an airline ticket, so I could go to San Diego and be with my best friend? Because I don't trust you. Now I have to wait it out, again.

Car: You could ask your dad. Beep.

Me: Don't even go there, you know I'm not emotionally stable.

Car: Fine, I'm sorry. He's just a good mechanic. Beep.

Me: And you're an emotionally insesitive man-car.

Car: Have you thought about hooking up with a mechanic? Beep.

Me: Obviously.

Car: Have you ever noticed you don't have an upper lip? Beep.

Me: Have you ever noticed you don't have any lips at all?

Me: I don't wanna talk to you anymore. You've cost me way too much this year.

Car: You're just lucky to have me. Beep.

Me: I know. Knock it off, just get better.. So I can stop hating you. The blown tire. That man who helped me, only to request money. Crying when I got home. Figuring out how to charge your A.C. all on my own. The Upper Ball Joints in November.. You've been hard on me.

Car: Hate me? Well I love you, you've never once let me run out of gas. I think its because you've got that strange paranoia, you might need help. Beep.

Me: Don't you dare pull the love card. And yes, you're right, I'm afraid.

How angry do I look??

Ahahaahahahahahah.

Life is just so so hard, someone please call my mom..

Oh wait I already did (real convo)

Me: Hi Mom.. (fastforward through the car convo..) I just really, really, really wanna drink and drink, and drink some more.

Mom: Shaylynn, you know that's not the answer.

Me: Yes it is, but it doesn't matter.. I can't afford to drink anyways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is how I really feel about my car/unexpected bills/putting off a vacation to California.

And this is the face I made after I realized that you all just saw my cavities/fillings. It sucked the color right out of the camera. I swear I brush me teeth once a week.

And I really am lucky to have a car that has been quite good to me for quite a while.

San Diego.. oh I'm comin for you.

Even if I have to walk.

I Will Silence My Voice.

2012-01-22T12:49:00.002-07:00

Ask me who this is about, and I will silence my voice.

Don't even try Mom.

This post, as much as I wish for light hearted banter, it's not here today.

This might be scattered, reckless in its unraveling..

But sometimes bravery is messy.

You might believe in addiction, you may not.

It's as real as the sun, and yet to some as untouchable as that very star.

The sun is just that, a star.. and somehow the center of our universe, a universe that I know next to nothing about.

Like addiction, you find yourselves as your own center, the world revolves around you.. and you forget to notice how great of an effect you have on your own personal universe.

Your heart is a core so many need.

And you cave.

Your light slowly dims.

Your quiet warmth fades into a chill that consumes the bones of those around you, who love you the very most.

Lost starts to feel like home.

And everyone who loves you, tries their best, without fail.. to not feel your pain, feel your struggle, until eventually they have to let you go.. they have to.

Because co-dependancy is almost as painful if not more painful then being addicted.

A variation of addiction.

I know addiction well.

That is a post my friend, that oh.. well.. uhm.. not today.

It's almost hypocritcal of me to write this, but from the outside looking in..

It's different.

This is a hurt, that is so different.

To be a part of the suns universe..

And you want to scream at the sun.

Scream until your voice gives out..

Fix them.

Mend them.

Tell them how afraid you are.

Tell them how you just can't do it, you're strength is limited.

But you can't.

You're just a part of the suns world, you're revolving until further notice.

And left to wonder if it would be easier to have never known how brightly it shined before this.

I'm on your side.

And I am all so blue.

Cuz I am still a child.

And I know that you are too.

Pancakes spinnin' round the sun.

Flat earth projects have begun.

Catwalk on suburban trains.

Summer is inside your veins, your veins.

Yes I am on your side

And I am all so blue.

And don't you feel inside

That I still believe in you?

I still believe in you.

-The Soundtrack Of Our Lives

Wanna Know, About My Week? #2

2012-01-21T19:07:00.002-07:00

Well, look at me.. following through with my "what if I did a weekly Saturday, recap of my week, wonder how long it will last.." two weeks down. well kinda, more like it's really only been 7 days. Whoa, that whole sentence was a disaster.

So this week.

Kinda super sick, still.

It was great.

confession of a twenty something drama queen.. I just did a vlog, first ever, with my raspy smoker-esc voice. It's so never seeing the light of day.

In all of my exhausted efforts to find the will to carry on.. I text one of my best friends Brooke whom I lovingly refer to as Tamponia. I am Padtastic.

(Don't you just love my maternity shirt? Oh laws.)

Our conversation went as follows.

True story.

9:01 a.m. Tuesday.

Me: I was wondering if you could kill me..

Her: Will you buy me an ice cream first?

Me: Only if you sign the contract in blood.

Her: Chocolate.

Me. No, blood.

Her: But can my ice cream be chocolate?

Me: I guess.

Her: No I changed my mind.

Me: But I heard if you eat chocolate ice cream when you are pregnant your baby will be born with three arms. (She's pregnant..)

Me: Changed your mind about what?

Her: Killin you. 3 arms would be nice when bringin' in groceries.

Me: You don't want to kill me anymore?

Her: No, but I still want chocolate ice cream.

Me: WTF! True friends kill each other when requested.

Her: But what about Kimmy's birthday?

Me: Fine. Brookkkkke. After dinner. You're gonna commit murder.

Her. Okay, as long you buy me an ice cream.

Me: You're gonna flip when I show up with a pint of ice cream.

Her: Oh, I know you too well, I'll be expecting it.

Next day.

Me: Brooke! It's noon WTF! (I talk to Brooke every single day, she usually texts me at 6 in the morning)

Her: I'm givin you the silent treatment Shay, I really want some damn ice cream.

I blogged a little blog that was super personal, sobbed when I wrote it. I still feel good about it..

& came out as a ninja turtle, fought with Katy Perry, which resulted in one of my favorite bloggers thinking it was shout out worthy (She's amazing, you should follow her) and I risked my life for this post.

I posted this picture on my fb wall.

With a perfect description of..

"I'm probably gonna die young.."

Saw this, laughed for like six minutes straight.

This brought me to tears of joy.

Read this quote, pasted it on this photo I took a few weeks ago..

I love that quote.

Maybe it's because its I'm Irish, (hello Kilfoyle) and its an Irish Proverb

I finally saw Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

Beautiful.

Haunting.

Breath Taking.

Devastating.

There are moments in this movie, where I found myself almost hesitant to watch, almost as if I was watching someones life that I wasn't invited to be a part of. Where I forgot they were actors. It seemed like a family ruined, crawling, bleeding.. doing anything they can to just mend their hearts, and un-sever the ties which bound them.

It was the kind of movie where everyone in the theater is frozen in place as the ending credits roll, silence and their own life questions filling every seat.

And in the end I concluded that a love like that.. never leaves.

I started reading this book.

And let me tell you..

I have had to practice GREAT self control to not flip to the final chapters.

So far oh so good.

I was told via my "friends"

that I was defective for not liking The Hunger Games.

But I didn't cry. Don't you even worry.

Overall..

My week..

Well..

Uh.

It was full of sarcasm.

A good movie.

A car break down (Monday post)

Some sickness.

And some more sickness.

Caffeine.

Lemon Cookie Thins.

Girl Scout Cookie order.

Work.

Kinda boring.

My friends full blown nervous break down.. whoa.

Parenthood.

Modern Family.

Grey's.

And now, I'm back to my bed.

I really am sick.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

Favorite song find of the week.

I Suffer From I Really Hate My Roommates Shower Curtainitis.

2012-01-19T19:42:00.003-07:00

Ready?

I hope you're sitting down..

If you aren't my fb friend.

Well.. sad.

But if you are you know my status updates often consist of myself auctioning off my roommate to the highest bidder.

I have 3 roommates.

2 of them are on the opposite side of the house.

I almost don't even know they're alive until I have to collect their rent.

But this post is not about them.

It's about roommate #1..

OH roommate number 1..... It's never good when I use the italic font in reference to her, or anyone.

We're going to call her Mariah Carey.

I seriously dislike Mariah Carey.

Both of them.

I'm sorry if you love the sing...eeerh? Mariah Carey, I hope our bloggership can get past this hurdle if that's the case.

This was made specifically for Mariah Carey..

Whatever makes you feel better, right?

It made my online world rounds.

Some of you.. could understand the dolphin curtain.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH DOLPHINS, SHAY?!??!"

aka. Tia.

She works at Sea World, so she can like the curtain and I won't question her.

But when my fellow humans come over to see the house..

And expletives flow out of the mouth while questioning this curtain..

I just, I just, I just...

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH."

Keyboard scream.

I just made that up.

Ready?

There is really no preparing anyone for it.

P.S.

I risked my life to take these photos.

I had 47 seconds to do it.

I had no idea when Mariah Carey would be home.

Don't you worry I was a total spy about it, and I got away with it.

I'm pretty sure the CIA will be contacting me real soon.

I felt like you needed the full effect.

Hi Definition n' everything.

And I needed you all to see how white I REALLY am.

Oh, look at my owl necklace, look at those crazy eyes.. whoa..

Pretty sure it comes to life at night.

For the record, I don't hate dolphins.

I once became friends with one from Hawaii.

He told me I was his favorite non-dolphin ever, even if I smelled and felt really, really weird.

I told him he was my favorite dolphin, even if he smelled and felt really, really, weird.

One of my favorite jokes ever is about dolphins, I heard it on Glee..

Google it, or email me.

I don't want to offend anyone.

Just all the Mariah Carey lovers.. and dolphin lovers.

Oh my swear word.

Maybe I should stop blogging.

This is my..

I tried to like it face..

and my.. uh is that the garage face??

I tried.

But it just resulted in me crying, again.

We are not 12 anymore Mariah Carey.

I just hate it.

I thought blogging about it might help.

Nope.

See how perfectly beautiful the shower is?

That tile.

Oh it's pretty.

The glass shower doors.

Perfect.

I like looking at my cellulite in the mirror...;)

It's perfect motivation for all the working out I don't ever do.

P.S. That line under my lip?

Totally red lipstick.

Klassy.. That's classy with a k... :)

Me: "Official diagnosis, doctor?"

Dr. HIPA Law Violator: "Miss Kilfoyle, you suffer from.. I Really Hate My Roommates Shower Curtainitis.."

Me: "I don't think I'm gonna make it."

Dr. HIPA Law Violator: "I don't think you're going to either.. Maybe you need to quit taking in visuals of the curtain.. it will make the end less painful"

Me: "I can't help it! It's burned into my memory, and her bathroom is across the hall.."

Dr. HIPA Law Violator: "We can remove that portion of your brain at your next appointment."

Me: "What kind of doctor are you?"

One of my top ten favorite songs.

It's so brilliant.

I almost always cry. Annie or Kelly's version.

Like when I see the shower curtain.

Oh & P.S. my friend Codi, who was once my blog stalker, now a great friend.. thought she was hilarious, and posted this on my fb wall.

"Saw this and thought of you. Hey things could always be worse."

I Blame Katy Perry.

2012-01-18T14:02:00.006-07:00

There are some things I just don't understand in this life.

One of them is fireworks shooting out of your chest.

Can you imagine?

Another questionable thing...

Most of Katy Perry's lyrics.

I feel like she's robbed some poor 12 year old girl of her poetry she's written down in her journal, after that boy that sits next to her who she just so happens to be in love with... broke her heart by passing a note to another girl one day at school.

None the less I sing along to all of her songs..

Loudly.

Except Peacock.

Don't even get me started on Peacock.

HOWEVER.... I would be her friend in a Hollywood second..

I don't know if she's taking applications for friends at this time, but I would apply.

Bur out friendship would be complicated..

I'm sure there would be a fight here & there..

Scene:

Me: "No Katy Perry.. I will not dye my hair blue.."

Katy: "Dang it Shay, you're the most boring friend I have, honestly.. so boring you with your stupid Red Lipstick & Melodies.."

Me: "Shut up, Katy Perry, I just don't want to outshine you, we all know I would look way cooler with blue hair, and you're the star.. we don't want people to realize I'm a bleeping comet."

Katy: "You're so mean.. I wish you were from California."

Me: "Whoa, whoa, whoa.. Katy Perry.. Not everyone can be a bleeping California girl, blame Utah, not me.. And you need to just calm down, I don't want you to shoot fireworks out of your bra at me, again."

and end scene.

Hold it.

And in a never before seen clip..

Katy: "I cannot believe you came back just to slap me across the face all because your blogger friend from Texas, who you totally stalk because of Reagan's blob, told you to."

Me: "Never underestimate the power of a blogging friend, don't make me slap you again Katy Perry."

and scene.

Back to what I don't understand in life.

For the past year or so I have questioned if I have ever felt like a plastic bag, and what the fareaking crap it even means.

Until I was sitting in my car during lunch today, and I was busy thinking about how not in a good mood I was/am.. and it hit me...

"Oh my gosh, I totally feel like a plastic bag right now.."

"I get it!"

I blame Katy Perry.

And when I get to heavens gate and they say...

And just what was your cause of death Plastic Bag?

I'll say "Katy Perry."

Facebook status post lunch.

Shaylynn Middlenameless Kilfoyle: I feel like such a plastic bag.

Commenter #1: What? How is that even possible?

Commenter #2: What does a plastic bag feel like? Useful to carry things? Stumped.

Shaylynn Midlenameless Kilfoyle: You guys are so old.

I'm A Ninja Turtle Now.

2012-01-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

You're never gonna believe what happened..

Get excited.

I know what you're thinking.

Well I don't.

But you could be thinking 1 of 3 things.

A. Red Lipstick, so epic.

B. She sure is happy to be taking her own photo.

C. WTF, a turtles shirt, isn't she like 19. okay or maybe 27. You better not have aged me.

I'll explain.

Note the nail color.

& how very cool this picture is.

It happened while I was keeping up with The Kardashians.

Don't judge me.

My sister-in-law had green, my niece said negative to the blue.. so green it was.

And I realized once it was all said and done.

HOLY *CRAP*

(edited for my mom)

Imatotalninjafreakinturtle.

(One word.)

The shirt?

Jamie got it for me, when we first discovered I was a ninja & I trained all of her children to be lil' ninjas soon after.

Aww, I miss them.

Being a nanny was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Anywho back to why I'm a Ninja Turtle.

Red lipstick photo is a must, its been a while.

And fyi, my friend text me a few weeks back..

Shaley: "Shay, damn you.. I'm in my house, wearing red lipstick.. but I don't dare leave.. how do you do it?"

Me: "Be bold. rock it, own it, and send me a pic.."

This is my -you guys are never gonna believe what happened- face.

At work today..

I was adjusting glasses.

Optical is my field of who knows how long employment.

And I went to snip off the excess of a screw.

I had no idea how strong I had since became since I painted my nails with turtle power..

AND

I broke the GROBET 16.220.

Obviously I am incredibly strong now.

I better take this nail polish off soon.

Who knows what kind of havoc it may cause, and I have to go to the grocery store.. it could be disastrous.

For the record I avoid the grocery store like I do the plague and all my exes and his exes.

I use the phrase for the record a lot, probably not going to stop doing that anytime soon.

Post Script.

I had a phone convo w/my best friend Wanda/Marianne (if your best friend doesn't have nikname you're doing something wrong) while galabanting around the grocery store, buying otter pops in January.

Me: "I just want you to know that I am wearing a ninja turtle shirt right now, but I think its appropriate for Wal Mart."

Wanda: "That's okay, Xander has one too.." and then I lost her in an endless roar of laughter, what a jerk huh..:) He's my 4 year old godson.

It's just too bad that I wasn't wearing it a few days ago, I bet my arm wouldn't feel like it was going to fall off like it does now, all because of that massive game of darts that I totally lost at. Or that time I nearly died after playing Wii for the first time.

And yes, yes.. I was born September 27, 1984.

So ridiculous.

And thank you for your kind words on my last post.

I was super terrified to post it:)

You all put my fears to rest.

She's Standing In Absolute Defeat.

2012-01-15T23:47:00.003-07:00

Cut to the scene in the movie, its silent.

It's black and white, nearly without variation seemingly gray.

She stands alone in the center of an empty parking lot, feeling as if the entire world has vanished, perhaps it has.

She's standing in absolute defeat.

The silence surrounding her, blinding with its pressure.

It's bitter cold, her breath is tangible.

The camera spans around revealing nothing but pavement and vacant parking spots for what seems like miles.

And she screams.

"Forgive me"

Please..

"Forgive me"

She falls to the ground, on her hands and knees, a beggar. Pleading through screams so profound in their anguish.. with a weight far too heavy to carry any longer... tears exhausted by the amount of time this has taken. Fading, fading, fading.. She knows she's fading.

She screams until hoarse..

"Forgive me.."

Weeping..

"forgive me.."

"please, please, please.. forgive me.."

"It was killing me, staying here.."

"I'm sorry.."

"I'm so sorry.."

Thoughts racing through her mind.. knowing what she does, the road she has traveled, the wounds she sustained, the wounds she inflicted on herself and others.. She chose this scar. She whispers to the pavement which is nothing more then a breath away from her lips.. "We forgive to the degree that we love, don't you know that? Don't you? So if you love me, like you say you do, if you feel any ounce of kindness, you'll find a way, it's been so long.. love me, just find the courage to love me.." Thinking that maybe, just maybe he'll hear her.. even if every particle of her feels broken and silenced.

The sun has faded into yesterday and another day has been marked by his inability to forgive her. There is an unspoken ailment of hurt that cannot be mended by anything but his forgiveness, how he would free her he has no idea.. Yet how much he would free himself would be the kindest thing he could do for himself. And until that day comes, a part of her will remain in that very spot, unmoved.

She's stronger then she looks, to show such raw vulnerability and sorrow sometimes requires the greatest amount of bravery. And sometimes disheveled is someones character shining through with perfect clarity. She will wait.

I will wait.

William Blake said, "It is easier to forgive an enemy then it is to forgive a friend.."

I know this to be true.

and for the record, this is the kind of post that causes your heart to stop after pressing publish.
I am fine by the way.

A Week In Review.

2012-01-14T15:55:00.001-07:00

I love the casual days of life, that fade in and out, and are so kind and good that you don't have to keep a place in your memory to retain them.

A week in review:

Not the best week.

For a lot of people I love.

This week one of my dearest friends said to me,

"I just know I need you.."

And I swear there was an actual tear of my heart.

And a wish thrown to the universe and a prayer, to be in two places at once, or just exactly where she is.

And an unspoken delicate prayer for God to give her dad back to her, knowing its impossible.

A thousand prayers for my sweet friend.

And Addy.

Oh Addy, Downs Sydrome & two holes in her heart.

I know that those who are aware of her, feel as if they have holes to match hers.

My cousin had a perfectly healthy baby boy.

Liam.

My cousin Lindsay lost a baby.

Another friend gave birth to her third baby girl.

A traumatic and delicate birth.

She was a rock star.

Our family friend passed away.

My friend looked me in the eye, and said..

"I don't like life"

And I hugged her as she wept.

My friend went to sell her wedding ring, her divorce is being finalized.

Her: "They only wanted x amount, and I said no.."

Me: "I would think that you would sale it and not even think twice, happy to have it gone.."

Her: "I know, but it just was overwhelmed with it all, the disapoinment in him, the disapointment in myself.. our failure"

Me: "I guess it's kinda like trying to put a price on a promise, a vow, a commitment to someone else, your entire life in one tiny object. No amount of money will ever sound like enough."

My baby brother turned 24.

He has special needs.

Me: "Bubba, how old are you?"

Andrew: "24"

Me: "Oh my gosh, that is so old!"

Andrew: "I know, can you believe it!" He sounded disgusted fyi:)

Me; *I'm 27* "Bubba, you're finally older then me.."

Andrew: "Yes!!! finally!"

Me: Laughing, so very hard.. the kid has always wanted/claimed to be older then me, no idea why..

And one of my best friends in the entire world, called on her way up North..

for a job interview.

And I was really mature in my reaction to her news about why she was headed that way..

Me:

"Okay, I can't handle this right now.. I gotta go"

Tash:

"I love you.."

Me:

K. (give me some credit, I was NOT letting her know that I was borderline hysterical, the throat was all sorts of spasming)

(I do not like getting news that alters my world over the phone, or news like that in general..)

And I instantly placed a call to my therapist.

Mom: "Hi Pooh.." (like the bear, yeah my mom totally calls me Pooh)

Me: "Hi Momma.."

Mom: "How are you?"

Me: "Sad.."

Mom: "Why?"

And so began the uncontrollable sobbing.

Sometimes life just gets heavy, and sometimes I just get so paniked and can't find steady ground.. anywhere.

Being sick for a week straight with who the heck knows what.. does not help at all.

Fastforward to a few hours after hang up (and a call to Tash, a more grown up, "if you're gonna leave me.. I will be fine" kind of convo) I wrote on my mom's fb..

"Momma, Momma, Momma.. Thank you for saving my little heart tonight. I love you so."

Mom: "Oh sweetie, don't you know you saved mine? I love you more.."

And so, a week over.

I am glad its over.

Thinkin I might do a recap of my week, every Saturday.

We'll see how long that lasts..

And last, I wanna remember this because it is kinda funny.

There is a guy in my life who I spend a fair amount of time with..

Me: "You're a dork"

Him: "Nope! I'm a sweet, tangy treat!"

It did nothing whatsoever to abolish my theory of him being gay.

How did your week go?

Honest to Blog?

2012-01-12T18:14:00.001-07:00

Today I am just going to babble. (weird, oh wait I always do)
And steal quotes from Juno for my blog post title.

Today I was having a text convo with Markee Jo.

I just added her picture for effect.

She's such a lovely friend of mine..

With SUPER green eyes.

I love her.

Anyway.

She told me she has never thought about waking up in the future.

What?

And so I sat around for at least 2 minutes and couldn't believe she hasn't thought of such a thing..

Am I the only one? I thought to myself in silence as I went about my day testing eyeballs..

I think it would be epic (remember how I am trying to NOT use the word epic, its harder then I thought it would be, epic fail.) to be able to wake up & spend an entire day in the future, in my future.

Lets say I wake up 5 years from today.

I would be 32.

I would have way more cellulite, I understand the risks.

It would be worth it.

So..

What on earth would that day be like?

What shoes would I be wearing?

What bed would be sleeping in?

Where would I be working?

What town would I be waking up in?

Would I be more comfortable in my skin?

Would I have caved in at this point in my life & have started working out?

Would I finally give up caffeine?

What if I woke up in Europe, and I actually spoke fluent Italian?

What if I woke up on a perfect winter day, with snow falling so softly, covering all the errors of the earth.

What if I woke up on the hottest day in the world, discovering I am still in the desert?

What if I woke up a hop-skip & a smile away from the ocean?

What if there was a gosh dang baby on my hip, and that gosh dang baby just so happened to belong to me?

What if I had a super perfectly fit husband all for myself?

What would I think of the choices I had been making thus far?

What would my memories consist of?

Would I regret some of those years, like uh 2011 just for a flawless example:)

I guess this blog is just one giant confession.

But if I don't live to be 32.

I don't wanna know.

Or maybe I do.

Would you?

And for the record, I know that there are some really optimistic human beings out there, that are all "LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!!!" YEA!...

I hear you..

I am just curious.

I would only live in the future for a day.

For the totally useless record, and then I would come back.

And if I didn't like my future, I would change my present..

Simple, unrealistic wishing really.

I Might Be Dying.......... AHHHHHHHHHH.

2012-01-11T09:52:00.002-07:00

Body issues not the.... " I'm so fat right now" kind of issues.

My body is simply rejecting me.

For the past month or so off and on food has been my enemy.

It kinda makes me sick.
Nothing ever tastes or sounds good.
Its so weird.

Pulling over on the side of the road after coming home from my grandparents because I tried to eat..

Its so unappealing.. and I am NEVER going to get a man if I keep barfing at random..
He'll think he's dating the barfing Poltergeist girl.
Sorry for using the word barfing, three times.

Last night, half a buffalo chicken wrap.. (like tiny gas station style) and I thought I was going to die, like be dead die.
And I just couldn't die because I was with other human beings.

What is wrong with my body?

Sometimes I think anxiety can cause my body to spaz.

But I also have concluded that my body just hates me.

Gees.
What to do.
What to do?
Has this ever happened to any of you?

And no.
It isn't a baby..
But I am pretty sure 86% of you have concluded that I am knocked up.

Perhaps my stomach is really just gonna fall out.
We'll see.

My friend Melanie in such enthusiasm said..
"Maybe you're going to invent a new disease!"
My mouth gapes open, "what?"
"And they'll call it The Kilfoyle, it sounds like an awful disease, " Mel says..
I eventually see her point, "well yeah, because it has the word kill in it.. an no one can pronounce my last name anyway so its a perfect disease name.."

And just for safe keeping I am going to write down a fb conversation I had with Melanie the other day, it was epic funny. (I have been trying to not use the word epic so much.. not working out so well)

Me: I'm moving to ALASKA to answer your question.
Mel: NO WAY! It is COLD and FAR and it's COLD! You might get eaten by a BEAR!
Me: I can't think of a better way to go down.
Mel. Right, see a bear, run for your life, get caught, pee your pants, get your face clawed off and then bleed to death in writhing agony. Good plan.

I'm On My Period So I Can Say This.

2012-01-09T22:31:00.002-07:00

Just the sound of my stinking roommates voice.. makes me kinda almost totally dry heave, and think about kicking her out.

I don't even need to hear her voice to think about that though.

Listening to her listen to Twilight on tape/cd for days on end, at all hours of the night.. well it makes me wanna die.

Love one another right?

I totally love her.

I just don't like her like at all.

I blame the dolphin shower curtain.

And her.

Maybe its me?

Nah.

Clearly I did not resolve to find reasons to like her in 2012.

And son of a gun, I miss my best friend.

I blame California.

San Diego, here I come.

Wanda.

Everyone needs a best friend you can nickname after Fried Green Tomatoes.
And possibly one with pink hair.
I sent her a picture of Katy Perry, showing her she was trying to steal her pink hair thunder.
I can't tell you her response, but she's my best friend for a reason.
I wouldn't even trade her in for Katy Perry.

I hope you have a Wanda.
If not.. well you can't have mine.
I already share her with her husband & my Godsons.
And that blasted state of California.

AND
Tonight as I lay in bed, I've decided to paint my nails.
Tomorrow I might wake up to find that I need to invest in a need bed spread.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.

Bottle Up The Sky.

2012-01-08T17:22:00.002-07:00

For the past week or so whenever the sun has set and the day has faded away into a memory.. I recall a specific night..

Driving to my grandparents house, Christmas had just printed its kindness upon our hearts.. and I was exhausted but very much content.. I cannot recall which songs were playing.. nor the temperature..

I simply remember how much I longed to bottle up the sky, and keep that moment forever.

I was positive no one in the world would believe me if I told them how beautiful it was.

The sky was on fire with the brightest shade of pink I have ever seen against such a dark contrast, it stole my breath and I had to keep telling myself.. I probably will never see anything this beautiful ever again.. remember this.. remember this.. and when you get to Heaven ask to see this moment again, and see if you can be in charge of the sky.

Its bittersweet because as I was driving to my destination I knew nothing of the world except the sky, and its vast and endless hues.. but my phone was silently going off over and over..

Its grandma.

They think its her heart..

My grandma is doing much better for the record, its her second attack, her first is here.

But I had no idea.

I was lost in what I felt to be very own sky. Lost.

I have been trying to find a balance in my life, maintain a certain peace, a certain optimism, a kind balance of reasonable sadness and appropriate joy.

I feel listless almost.

But I also feel great stability.

Its a strange sensation to know how lost you are and at the same time, just how found you are.

Wishing to bottle up the sky.

A perfect moment of absolute contentment.

My grandfather telling me one of my greatest gifts is love.

How I love.

A compliment so sweet and kind that it brings tears to my eyes, love..

For so long I was unable to love, it was as possible as bottling up the sky.

And yet, today, if I really longed to bottle up the sky, and be a little more reasonable and find a way..

I would have taken a picture of that sky, rolled it up, placed it in a bottle and proved who I used to be, wrong.

I would find a way to make the impossible possible and bottle up my sky.

I never thought I would be in his life again, granted his memory never left my life.

Aaron.

The dearest, kindest, most sincere human being..

and I get to call him my friend again.

Making the impossible, possible.

And yes, a hike is the pefect way to spend the day.

This town, this place is growing on me.

Who knew.

I know these photos are blurred.

My friends were over.

And while there was laughter..

I felt a delicate vacancy, a blur.

Longing for a bit more clarity.

I was going to erase them, but I found them to be quite fitting.

Clarity.

Finding a different way to bottle up my sky today.

Even if it's hard.

Even if I am the most blessed girl that ever walked the earth.. I have to take the time to recognize it.

And find a way.

I have to.

The President.

-Snow Patrol

I've run to ground

I've run from everyone that I have ever known

I'm achin cold

I'm achin from the bones the very blood of me

And its broke before you know it

before you knew what it was for

all you know is that you can't fix it

and you wish that you had listened more

to your instincts

to your family

to the wisdom you ignored

are you finally going to ask us for help?

I've crashed to earth

but I've fallen for so long that it was just relief

I saw your face

In everyone that looked me in my drunken eyes

I will take the road forgotten, again..

How To Stay Single F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (pronounced sandlot style)

2012-01-06T21:47:00.001-07:00

Hi, its me again.

Okay.

I have been single since the beginning of September.

So four months, almost half of the time it requires to cook a baby.

I am really good at being single.

And doing the math on pregnancy.

I don't mind it, the single part..

I am super qualified in being self centered and only having to take care of myself, and watching girly movies, and never having to put down the toilet seat, and never ever watching sporting events, and cleaning out the bathroom sink full of whiskers is never necessary.. and only having to do my laundry is just so great, I'm really good at doing it once a month, and being lazy enough to go buy some gosh dang underwear rather then doing my laundry.. you know.. the basics. Oh and never cooking, I can cook, but I never do. I could go on and on and on.. but I kinda already have..

I am very respectful of whoever I date, and I think you need to give yourself a good amount of time to move on, so you don't compare your x to the new o.

And its absolutely horrifying to repeatedly call the new o x, you know?

I have done that.

Lots.

Time is different for everyone, we all have hearts that mend on their own different time frame.

Anyways focus Shaylynn..

I had a date/blind date lined up.

His name is Steve.

And he works at TJ Maxx.

(oh, p.s. I actually unknowingly met him earlier this week, and I just.. nope)

Long story short I realized that if we went out, I probably wouldn't ever go out with him again, I know that sounds awful, but I know me.

And I just became so overwhelmed by the idea of having to avoid TJ's for the rest of my life/time in this town that I almost cried.

*oh, might be on my period x a million percent.

I cannot wait to NEVER have one ever again.

Menopause sounds like Christmas to me.

Hot flashes are fine by me.

It would mean my feet wouldn't be cold anymore.

And it would also mean that I would be retired, which is divinity.

I'm going to wear depends even if I don't need them when I age.

I'm going to be one of those people.

Just the other day a patient said.. "oh to be young.."

To which I replied..

"Oh to be old and retired.."

And I freakin meant it, they knew I was serious by the end of the convo.

So back to this date.

Some things just aren't worth it.

And I am just not that strong.

I need that store and it needs me.

It's like the fourth date I have cancelled in twoish months.

Go me.

I finally have nailed it..

How To Stay Single F.O.R.E.V.E.R

A how to..

A guide for those with obvious dating phobias.

Just cancel all of them.

I hate dating.

I really do.

I was really good at it over the summer.

Two dates every Saturday.

Almost every weeknight.

It was obviously a fluke.

So, I've decided to just rob a bank.

Bank is still undecided.

Move to Europe.

Become fluent in Italian.

And do absolutely nothing but consume mass quantities of gelatto and warm grapes and run through fields of gold/sunflowers.

Send postcards via my alias because I will obviously be a criminal.

"Greetings From Tuscany."

That's my alias.

I totally could get away with it.

It's when I spend 10 minutes writing a post like this that I start to worry about myself a lot.

Dating?

Shmating.

I'd rather pull someone else's teeth out.

Not my own obviously, that would hurt.

I love you all.

Including you.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to go watch Little Women.

Jo will teach me to be fearless.

And I will just fast forward through Beth dying.

Because I think I might just die with her one of these times.

Don't you just love ecards?

I do.

And post Script.
This is not a post about me feeling sorry for myself for still being single.
I really don't mind.

This Is A True Story, Like My Life.

2012-01-05T14:17:00.003-07:00

How A= B in my world.

Today I went to Redbox, to return a few movies..

The Debt.

Awesome. Super Violent & Languagefied.. But I liked it.

I wonder if being Rated R had anything to do with that?

Although I found it totally strange to watch old people trying to kill each other.

And it made me so thankful that my parents aren't spies.

OR ARE THEY?!?!?

OMG.

Dvd #2

I Don't Know How She Does It.

Buh buh buh boring.

Okay, anyway.. so there I was dvd's in hand, return please..

#1. Success.

#2.. DANGITALL.. I only brought the case.

I nearly sat down on the curb and wept.

But I am an adult now or whatever.

So I didn't.

But I really thought about it.

I have a theory that my period is right around the corner..

I think I was mostly upset because I did that same exact thing like two weeks ago.

and it was the dvd I didn't like that I left at home.

Stupid.

So, rather then have an emotional meltdown, I had a totally different kind of meltdown.

I bought another Death of Me, drink.

Bought one of these.

But uh, much larger.

I told the lady at the register who was ignoring me (biggest customer service letdown ever) that it was a refill, and I had to ask her if she heard me the first time.

To which she replied..

"Well, yeah because its not our cup.."

To which I said..

"What? I never go anywhere else, weird.."

And then I failed in my life even more and bought one of these..

Not the six pack.

The six pack times four.

And I'm not going to be including the amount I have consumed but my butt might show the evidence soon.

On my awesome lunch I also concluded as I was reading a story about a girl who joined a convent & became a nun at 19, that I probably should do the same thing so people will stop asking me if I am married or have kids.

I'll just have to change religions.

and while I was googling images, so I could permanently mark down how much I failed at being skinny or mildly well nourished..because I forgot a dvd I found this quote and now I feel so great about life again.

I love people.

They Call It Rehab For A Reason.

2012-01-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Monster,

When I was a kid I was convinced that a Gremlin guarded my bedroom door at night, so I never got out of bed at night. Dang monsters.

Now I'm a big kid and have discovered a new kind of monster that is going to be the death of me.

I now spend ~~65%~~ 86% of my day convincing myself that its discontinued.

Monsters are real.

I want the Gremlins back.

How To End 2011.

2011-12-31T18:18:00.001-07:00

I guess I could skim through my Red Lipstick & Melodies memory bank/posts of 2011 and post a few photos here and there..

Point out a memory, a day, an event, things I lived through, breathed through, survived through, loved through.. etc.

But rather then skim a bazillion photos and posts, I am choosing a different route.

I think Jan 2011 crushed a part of me, and haunted me for a really long time.

Too much unfolded, too much tore me down.

I distinctly recall watching the fireworks across the sky marking a new year.. knowing that some out there in my small world were so hopeful and optimistic because of their lights... Some were allowing a healing to take place with each burst of color. I however thought to myself, - I think 2011 is going to be a difficult year. -

And it was.

But the ending months of 2011 taught me a great deal.

That I alone am powerless in some respects, and yet it is all within my power to change my world.

I closed endless doors, leaving worlds that were once connected locked and bolted away, forever.

I had a door shut and closed off to me, and as lonely as a room as it is to be in, I have learned to take comfort in new surroundings, sometimes believe it or not the unfamiliar becomes your favorite place.

I know that when my world is in chaos. I have to sometimes remove myself from others until I mend the storm, and the debris and havoc of it all in managed in such a way.

I erased six months of my blog this year.

I believe some things are better respected then remembered.

I feel in love twice this year.

I fell out only once.

Love doesn't always leave when wished for, it changes with time and lessens in its power and grasp.

I went back to Pennsylvania and its ever so lovely fields, and I kissed my kids most likely for the very last time. Its funny how a job can change your life, and matter so deeply.

3 little hearts forever woven within my own.
I haven't drawn a single thing this year, a year and half of my art ignored, perhaps 2012 will bring its renewal, because I am just that.. an artist.
My book neglected, the characters very much waiting to be brought to life.. live another page.. another chapter.

My dear beloved friend Caleb took his life two short weeks ago, and it caused such a great pain that I will fail to express. Its too soon to go down this road, perhaps I never will, maybe I'll just say how thankful I am for a loving Father in Heaven who caused a miracle to happen and allowed for my body to mend, and the impossible to be possible, I lived. And everyday I live I find it gets easier.

I listened to Adele for months on end, and yet my love for her voice and lyrics grew.. but uhm, alas as the year has faded and Adele my love, we need a break.

Four short days ago my grandmother suffered a heart attack. Standing in the ICU room, machines beeping their haunting various sounds of exsistence, the fragility of life once again placed on my heart, I watched as my grandfather brushed my grandmothers hair from her forehead, and lowered himself to her level, and I saw love in a way I never have before, I am not a believer in fairy tales, but I just might be now.
The French don't make resolutions, rather wishes.
Wishes are our greatest hopes set to fire.
I wish for 2012 to challenge me, and in the end make me better.
Today I sat at lunch with my good friend, and over and over I found myself saying.. how much I have learned from this year.
I wasn't who I wanted to be this year, but I got there, and am getting there, step by step, breath by breath, mistake by mistake, choice by choice, luck by luck, dance by dance, song by song, prayer by prayer... and blessing by blessing.
So thankful this year won't define me, but it will add up to what defines me in the end.
So here's to a thousand wishes this year.

(this picture makes me laugh so insanely much)

The Songs Of 2011.

"A song memorized but never felt at all.. " Emily West.

A song is a gift.. I feel every note.

She Went Quietly. Charlie Winston

A Case Of You. James Blake

Stepping Stone Kate York

Hell Of A Year, Keri Noble.

On My Own, Lisa Scinta

Skinny Love, Birdy.

Kiss Quick, Matt Nathanson

Southener, Trent Dabbs

This Beautiful Ache, Ernie Halter.

Thank You For Nothing, Elizabeth & The Catapult

Do Not Hang Your Head, Elizabeth & The Catapult

Last Kiss, Taylor Swift

Someone Like You, Adele (uh, this song has 88 million hits.)

Emphasis, Sleeping At Last

A Place Only You Can Go, NEEDTOBREATHE

Poison & Wine, The Civil Wars

Shock To My System, Gemma Hayes

That's all I want to post.. :)

Oh I Need This Hair, Now. Michelle Tanner/The Twins I Grew Up With

2011-12-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

This is really important.

I want her hair.

Something fierce.
Like Michelle Tanner hair.

Remember when Uncle Jesse moved out?

(P.S.... I was totally in love with Uncle Jesse..)

Single tear going down his face while holding that pink pig?

Traumatic childhood experience watching that episode.

Well, I had that EXACT reaction when I saw her hair.

Except I don't believe in holding framed art tightly to my chest while scrolling online through blogs.

But I need iiiiiiit.

I do.

I need it.

badly.

But my stupid hair is THIS SHORT..

(that is a clever little arrow)

Bleeping, bleeping, bleeping short hair.

I loved you, but we are through.

You have been good to me, except for that whole not getting out of bed soon enough, and WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH MY HAIR ITS TOO SHORT FOR A PONY LOOK.. and I feel so ugly and gross all day.

We need to take a break.

A longish-er hair kind of break.

No extensions.

Just grow.. grow.. grow.

I think I'm gonna go buy some prenatal vitamins.

OMG.

What if they make me pregnant?
JK.

I'm not that much of a case.

I love this gosh dang song for some reason.

Lights.

2011-12-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

Take my city and set it on digital fire and I will be content in its beauty.

(or just take a pictre without a flash, while driving by..)

Once again, here I am.. the ending of a year.

Tomorrow is the simple promise of renewal, and oh how I need it.

I can't quite remember which phase the moon is in tonight, all I know for certain is I am craving the sunrise.

Oh to be renewed, what a gift the sun brings.

I need it.

Oh. I do.

Sometimes God calms the storm.

Sometimes he lets the storm rage.

And calms His child.

In Case You Haven't heard.

2011-12-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

I love sarcastic human being.

They are my favorite kinds.

Love.

He's Gone Now.

2011-12-20T18:17:00.001-07:00

When uttered words are failing me.

When the ground beneath me seems to shake.
When my heart seems to have shifted lower in my body.

When my mind feels clouded with truth too real.

I always find my refuge here.

My friend chose to leave our world yesterday.

Words will fail me.

I will fall short.

So I won't try this time.

All I know for sure is that I know.

I know.
I know.

I know.

Every part of my journey through out this life.

I know.

I believe we must in order to survive this life turn our hearts over to God.

Caleb saw it fit to turn his entire heart over to him to mend what simply was impossible on his own.
Like my favorite hymn..

Where Can I Turn For Peace..

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?

Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

Pray for his boys.

Pray for his now resting heart.

Forgive someone you need to forgive.

And above all.

Forgive yourself.

He's gone now.

He was just here, he's gone now.

Oh how much someone right next to you can be broken.

Oh how much this hurts.

Oh how much I cherish my life now.

Love each other.

Could I have saved you?

Would that betray you?

Oh, There You Are Christmas.

2011-12-19T22:19:00.001-07:00

Ideally I am six years old laying across the top of my barbie doll house, the night is frozen with the anticipation of Santa Clause.. All of my senses are heightened as I wait for the sound of the bells and the reindeer skidding across my roof, finding me.. actually finding me.

I convinced myself I heard them, and I threw myself into my bed, and quickly fell asleep.

Resting with the complete assurance that he had actually found me, little old me.. even at that age I was so concerned he wouldn't find me. Imagination put my worried little heart to rest.

I've watched the lights go up around my neighborhood.

I've been getting "Merry Christmas.." From my patients.

And I am always so happy to say it back.

However I was so concerned that I just wouldn't be able to find Christmas.

I felt a vacancy in the season.

But.

My mom is here now.

And I swear the air tastes like peppermint.

The chill in the air is hand delivered from frosty himself, as he sweeps the walkways of the north pole.

The lights are brighter, and full of so much more hope.

Its easier to say I love you.

Its easier to imagine Christmas.

I might even manage to convince myself that I hear Rudolph & his best friends.. Might.

It's moments like this.

Blurry yet perfect.

Oh, there you are Christmas.

Its moments.

These moments..

That make my heart swell.

With the purest appreciation and bittersweet gratitude for the gift of recovery in my life.

I can't imagine the great heartache that my life ending would have inflicted upon their worlds, their lives, their holidays, their good, their bad, their everything..

I can't imagine Christmas being so painful at times for any of them.

I am so thankful tonight for my family.

I am so thankful for the healing I have had in my life, and for the medical and emotional support I have had.

I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows so much better than I, and knew it wasn't my time.

Because I can't imagine missing this.

And I can't imagine being back in a place where I longed to miss this.

I remember the cold that never left.

I remember the joy that I just couldn't find.

I remember the chill in the middle of summer.

I remember the numbness that clouded my mind and heart.
I remember an ache that never subsided.

I remember the powerlessness to overcome.

I remember my very last thought before I slipped under.

I remember.

Oh how I remember.

I have such an appreciation for that memory, what it meant, what it did, what I endured.

And I am just so content in knowing that it is just that, a memory.

Life is good.

Chrismas is all around.

And I am so happy.

Funniest YouTube Video In The World.

2011-12-17T11:37:00.002-07:00

S*@# girls say..

Edited for my blog.

I wish I had a potty-less mouth, heaven only know I think I invented it.

I saw this floating around twitter/facebook.

I finally caved and watched it on one of my favorite musicians fb posts.. I figure she's brilliant she won't post something that is dumb..

Let me tell you..

I have never ever ever laughed so hard at a youtube video in my life.

The chips, the chips, the chips..

I DO THAT.
Oh my gosh.
I DO THAT.
It was one of those moments, for sure.

I don't say twinsies.. other then that, I am pretty guilty.

Just laugh.
and laugh.
and then probably laugh some more.

I Might Be Defective.

2011-12-15T10:50:00.001-07:00

Pretty sure something is off.

This whole not having an appetite really..

Nothing tastes good..
Tired, like so tired..

I might be defective.

I think I need my mom.

And a really long nap.

And possibly a cheerful song.
And maybe.. just maybe.. to find the glitter that lines my clouds.

Crying over nothing kind of day.

Well something, but I just don't even wanna talk about.

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher.
I have so many good days now then when the bad days come..
I kinda get lost and have no idea what to do.

You know?
Tell me you know..

Snow, Metaphor Style.

2011-12-14T13:30:00.001-07:00

I live in the desert now.

I've left Pennsylvania and its fields of simplicity and yet endless wonder.. behind.

I no longer feel the brutal entrapment of humidity, the way it seeps into your bones and stays as if wanted.

However..

I miss the way the snow would fall so softly, leaving me with a world so white and I dare say magical.

The reality that no flake that falls is ever identical to the one before.

When I get to heaven I long to be in charge of the sky.

Like I said, I live in the desert now.

Snow does not fall here, maybe a flake when the sun forgets that it is supposed to be a little bit closer to this particular part of the earth.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

I wonder if I were back in my element of white powder if I could find the season again.

I think that once the season has passed, I'll look back and think.. Oh there you were, so lovely and kind, with all of your sights, sounds, and smells.. and I will miss it, funny how I am missing something that I am currently a part of.

Snow.
Someone who I removed from my life a few years ago has recently contacted me, and tried to mend the the bridge and find a way back.
I am quite positive that some bridges burn for a reason.
Intentional or accidental.
When someone strikes a match and sets a deliberate fire that burns, with wildfire strength.. and they leave you burned with permanent scars that fade but never really leave.. I think it entitles you to freedom from them without guilt and without reserve.
Their mark on your life is enough of a memory.
However, I do know that I have made choices in my life that have burned bridges, and I have waited on my side of the world.. and waited for the snow to melt away, and reveal the truth that my side of the world is green again, no longer cold or frozen over with regret and mistakes. I've been in need of forgiveness.

Where do we draw the line?
Where do I draw the line?
How do I find trust with someone who is just as capable of change as I am, however my fear is so thickly laced with memory.
I do not know.

Anyone?
Anyone?

Yesterday as I was fumbling with YouTube, I listened to this song, it echos my heart right now.
Second chances.
However I still have no idea what to do.

Tell me, k?

Sleeping At Last

The branches have traded

Their leaves for white sleeves

All warm blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe

Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees

Christmas lights tangle in knots annually

All families huddle closely

Betting warmth against the cold

All the bruises seem to surface

Like mud beneath the snow

So we sing carols softly

As sweet as we know

A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go

Like young love still waiting under mistletoe

We'll welcome December with tireless hope

Let our bells keep on ringing

Making angels in the snow

And may the melody disarm us

When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts

The table is set

And all glasses are full

The pieces go missing

May we still feel whole

We'll build new traditions in place of the old

Cause life without revision will silence our souls

Let the bells keep on ringing

Making angels in the snow

And may the melody surround us

When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts

As gentle as feathers

The snow piles high

Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time

Like fresh plates and clean slates

Our future is white

New Years resolutions are reset tonight

Forgetting You.

2011-12-12T00:09:00.003-07:00

You slowly left my life.

It took forever, endless recollections.

Like I said.

You left my life, so very slowly..
I let you.

I didn't fight.

I didn't fight more then I knew you wanted me to.

I could have.
I may have here and there, and where ever else we leave unanswered prayers..

I am a fighter when I know its my place.

Its not to say you weren't worth the effort, you were.

I am just aware of every mistake.

Every jagged piece of glass that remained of our memories built together, and what the future could have, or may have been. That mirror holds no reflection now, I couldn't gather those pieces together if I tried.

The quiet vacancy of your memory is hallowed out by the gift of time.

I can no longer remember your voice.

I can no longer remember your laugh.

It's the little things that you take for granted when you have someone, the tiniest quirks that make them unique.. that always leave you the fastest.

It's haunting how quickly someone can simply become... gone.

Today I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life.

Those I've kept.

Those I've lost.
Those I've loved.

Those I've been in love with.

Those I promised to marry.

Those I broke up with.

Those I feel slipping through my fingers, like water that is too free to be held.

Those I know in my hopeful heart of hearts.. that will always stay.

It hasn't been a painful walk down memory lane.

A simple appreciation for what I have learned and who I have become because of who I have known them.

At times memory serves as the kindest medicine to those who have become a memory.
You take what you can, and eventually you will get better.

The first paragraph isn't directed at any specific person.

Just an accumulation of the few I've lost along the way.

Someone said the other night, "pain is inevitable, we can't avoid, can't hide, but it is the greatest teacher."

I have made epic-ly (not a word) poor decisions and lost.

I had others make epic-ly (not a word) poor decision, and lost.

Such is life.

Leaves scatter once fall has faded into winter and a tree is left barren yet once again. However against all odds of such a long winter.. a trees branches will be filled to overflowing with the company of green leaves, and blossoms will bloom.

We lose.

We gain.

I have a great optimism for the future.

I have quiet regrets for some of the decisions I have made this year.

I have a few that might haunt me, but not in a heavy all consuming I can't do this kind of way..

Such is life.

Memory is a shadow that follows us when the sun is just right, and we can't avoid it.

I remember so many.

But quietly and honestly and respectfully.

This year I battled something so heavy.

I don't mention the battle on this blog, because its too personal, and I am just not that brave.

Maybe slight insights, and blaring obviousness in my avoidance.
But I am better.

I am doing so much better.

(fyi, this has always been my favorite quote)

This is me.

And I have tomorrow and today to be better.

And I am not afraid to be point out my weaknesses & the things I can always improve upon.

I clearly have a million things I can work on.

If I ever give the impression of being perfect, you sure as heck don't really read my blog.

We were built to fall short, so we could learn from the lapses & gaps of inconsistency.

I'm forgetting you.

But in the kind of way where when I find myself remembering you I can say, "I love you for what you gave me."

I'm forgetting you.

But in the kind of way where I am so hopeful and aware and able to learn from my mistakes that I made with you, that I soon won't have to say to another person.. "I love you for what you gave me."

Rather keep them my whole life through.

She's got an Adele/Haunting/Brilliance about her.

P.S. America, I might leave this country becasue of you.

Paula, Nicole, and dude with the glasses.. You're all on my list.

Google her.

Listen to her sing Must Of Been Love.

I Pretty Much Hate Todays Fashion.

2011-12-08T22:52:00.001-07:00

I really am just struggling....

dot. dot. dot.

With.

Today's

Fashion.

Ugh.

I almost dread walking into a clothing store..

I can't even begin to figure out how to wear these poncho, bed sheet, shirts or whatever you wanna call them.

I hate them.

All.

My poor friend asked me to go shopping with her to the other day..

Pretty sure she made the wrong decision..

Our conversation went as follows..

Monika: Shay, do you like this outfit..?

Shay: Uh...

Monika: I think its the pants, but I love the shirt.

Shay.. Uhhh...

ChyAnn: That shirt makes you look huge!

Shay: Yeah, and you're so tiny..

Monika: You guys, its fashionable, its what people are wearing.

Shay: Mon.. it looks like a parachute.. like you would be set if we were jumping out of plane.

Real conversation.

You guys.. I hate today's clothing.

The hippie ridiculousness of it all.

Oh and these sweaters from the 70's that are pretending to be cute.. oh man I just hate it so much, I'm totally whining right now..

I get it, but I totally don't.

I'm not going to post pictures because I don't wanna hurt all y'alls feelings if your heart skips a beat when you walk into a store full of shirt tents & parachutes.

The worst.

Don't get me wrong.

I enjoy some of the trends..

Red Lipstick.

Oh & FYI, notice how some celebs are snipping away their long locks?

Just tryin to be like me, huh Katy Perry..

And notice my yellow cedar chest.

I've been super busy painting everything I own yellow, its really dramatic.

But yellow is cheerful and I've decided to abandon my neutrals for the trendy sunflower yellow.

Ignore my tank top on the floor, and the really classy cords to the side.

Today one of my best friends sent me this picture.

I nearly fell over laughing.

Feathers in the hair was a trend I NEVER understood.

But oh man.. how brilliant is Brooke right now?

Come on, so brilliant.

Don't be offended if you have/or have had a feather in your hair.

I don't think they're ugly.

I just don't get it is all, and don't have a desire to have one.

I just need the good old days.

Where shirts were long.. to come back.

And for simple and plain to be ordinary again.

All this other crap is totally ruining my life.

(Side note)

I have listened to this song Lea sings for New Years Eve (so going Saturday night) 800 times.

So sad Itunes will make me buy the whole soundtrack.

No way.

Bittersweet Ride..

2011-12-06T22:41:00.002-07:00

Life is such a bittersweet roller coaster ride, sometimes the gradual decent which leads to the quick drop that leaves you reeling.. is such a peaceful consistency you don't ever see the fall coming, and once it does it leaves you gripping to any surface, clinging for dear life.. wondering if you're prepared, and if you'll make it off the ride at all.. "Slow down, slow down, slow down.. " Have you ever felt your life spin, felt the rush of days going by so quickly, like watching an infant grow, and you softly plead.. "Slow down.. slow down.. slow down.. you're growing too fast, or watching a loved one age, and you plead at the oddest times, "Dear God, please let them live forever.." I did that yesterday.

Tonight someone asked me, "What is your deepest wish?"

I had no need to pause to reflect.

"To be a mother.."

I am 27 years old, and I have a yearning so profoundly painful to be a mother at times.

I know I am have so many flaws, a deep rooted struggle with something that I choose to fight, I am no where near perfect, but I know in my heart of hearts, that I have a heart shaped to be a mother.

I wait.

I ache a bit.

I would love to see the world.

I would love to have a Vespa that takes me on the streets of Europe.

I would love to know what the streets of Tuscany feel like to walk on. Cobblestone memories.

I would love to pick up all the pieces of my life and be completely whole.

I would love to be cured.

I would love to the girl that I try to be, and sometimes fall so short of being.

I would love to find a man to love me my entire life.

I would hate to sound so selfish in my next sentence, however...

Life.. please.. "Go faster, go faster.. go faster I beg.."

I'm so ready for a change.

This isn't a sad post.

This is just very raw.

This is very honest.

It might just be exactly where my life is right now.

I've changed my world so much the past few months.

~~For the better.~~

For the absolute better.

Here's to my roller coaster.

I'm ready.

Holding on so tight and ready to have my world flip upside down, sideways, backwards..

So ready.

"Remember when we said we would live forever? We would paint over the writing on the wall.. Chase that sunset til we're blind, and we'll wake up to find.. We are only human, after all.. If I'd known that it would end, I would've paid a little more attention, memorized every look and touch.. every fragment of us.. Remember we said we were gonna live forever.."

P.S. Every song I add via video is because I love it, and want to remember it when I Itunes it up:)

Babies Are The Best Neosporin.

2011-12-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

As of late I have been convinced that life is hard.

I won't elaborate.

Mostly because I did two posts ago;)

And I have so very much to be thankful for.

I spent Saturday watching my niece Olivia.

It was Neosporin for my soul.

I need this little spirit.

This little soul.

Thou Shalt Not Covet.

I am so envious of momma's.

I know its so hard.

Hello, nanny.. 6-6 5 days a week + weekends.. etc.

I soaked in my time with her.

You swear you won't forget perfect days, but you do..

Documented now.

I love her so.

Notice the mild concern?

Dogs.

Two of them.

Not really sleeping..

Totally fakin.

Thank you so much for the first aid O.

You helped save my troubled heart.

A Pretty Useless Blog About Crying..

2011-12-02T18:05:00.001-07:00

A couple weeks ago I called my mom crying.

Hard core.

Lose your breath, throat hurting.. WWWWWWWWWAH.

Before that it had been months, literally months since I had cried.

I've decided something is seriously wrong with me.

I guess there really isn't a rule in the crying department, right?

1. You must cry once a week.

2. You must never cry on the first of the month.

3. You know, none of those are rules.

WELL.

I've decided that there is something inside of me that literally freezes when my throat is on fire with the potential for tears and and I will psyche myself out enough that I never will cry. My own internalized tear extinguisher.

On occasion I will watch TV or a movie and some music will start playing and I will get the throat thing going, but once again I will psyche myself out.

Sometimes I'll tell myself I cried because my eyes were a little full..

But uh, not the same.
Or the super dramatic voice shake.
But uh, not the same.

Lets not forget that I have spent a few dozen hours of my life with a therapist.
Did I cry in any of those sessions?
Nope.

If someone I love or a friend (I guess I love those people too) starts crying, like hard core, I will not cry. I want to but I can't, because usually their tears are for the most tragic reason. Frozen, like an ice cube in the middle of the coldest day in history.

ONCE, ONCE in my life I had a friend call me who was going through a divorce and it was the worst conversation in the history of the universe, her sobbing just killed me and so I cried. THAT WAS ONCE. A one time deal.

I guess I cried when my niece was in pain the other day, and she was reaching for me, "Shay, Shay.." Who the heck wouldn't cry? But I think the reason I actually cried was because the day was going terribly unwell and I was super sick of everyone. Except my niece of course, and uh it was sad. Whatever.

I think its healthy to cry right?

Clearly I am unhealthy.

The only time I really ever cry is when I miss someone. And PMS is busy punching my every estrogen filled, blah, blah, blah that I have, and being tired is added to it.

I always feel better after I cry.

But I just don't cry.

This week has been a little much and I knew if I just cried and got it over with I would feel better?

Why is that?

Really?

But I can't cry.

I won't.

It's not to say that I am not an emotional person because you can bet your life I am, oh gees. Sometimes I wake up evil for no reason, and the ice chips off through out the day. Sometimes (as Misty learned yesterday) I just won't talk, can't talk, the fewer words the better. Shut down mode, I go into it, its really healthy.

Also, for another totally useless fact: I could never be an actress because there is no way I could cry on cue.

I don't even know how to cry in real gosh dang life.

Oh man.

Cry.

Are you a frequent crier?
Lets cry about it.

Move On & Shut Up.

2011-12-01T00:04:00.003-07:00

I MIGHT be venting on this post, if my title didn't just blow that right up into the SUPER OBVIOUS category.

I just like this picture.

Not related at all.

Oh life.

My dearest and most beloved friend Misty lost her father yesterday.

Goodbye to Mike.

My dearest and most beloved friend Jenna gave birth to a baby boy just a few short hours ago.

Hello Ryker.

Oh life.

What a tender web of kindness and sorrow you have been weaving in and out of the lives of those I love the very most.

Oh life.

I need to talk about my life tonight.

The past few days have been so bizarre and uncomfortable, and in a short time frame I am sure I will forget that the last week of November 2011 was a little much, but until forgotten I think its best I come here. You may not relate I don't know.

And I just wrote 5 paragraphs and erased them.

Sometimes I borderline on too personal.

I'll sum it up.
Attempt #2:

I feel like a I am losing a friend, watching her slowly but surely disappear, and become a vacancy, a ghost.

Sometimes we just lose one another, for a season, or a lifetime.

I feel like finding out that an old friend who is no longer a friend at all - due to our pathetic choices, is having a baby.. should be a wonderful feeling. It is, oh she wanted another baby so badly. But my heart aches, and tears just fell. There was no reasoning, simply sadness, wishing that the world was just a little larger, and word didn't travel quite so fast. My dear old friend, my dear old lost friend, oh how I regret, oh how I wish. Oh how I have prayed. It's easier now. Oh how I feel.. so bittersweet. Gosh dang it.

"nothing compares, no worries or cares. regrets and mistakes they are memories made. who would have known how bittersweet- this would taste..
Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you for two.."

I feel like people shouldn't speak unkindly or harshly about someone else on facebook, because that person will find out. It's bullying, using their name.. its juvenile, and so rude. Yes, the world really is that small and someone will tell someone, aka.. .ME. "The truth will come out.." The truth did come out, that would be why all hell broke loose when I owned up to being an active part of the gossip, (even if true) (and I didn't know who the crap to believe) thanks. I maned up and went to the number one source, and admitted and it was awful, but in order to be a better person, I KNEW I HAD TO. Being two faced is not good for your complexion. It was brutal. I've admitted it here, I was a gossipy high schooler this year, and I was an idiot. It wasn't even horrible gossip, but it wasn't nice by any means. "The truth came will come out.." Who cares. It did. Move on and lets all just shut up, I'll never speak of it again. Ever. Nor will I ever become friends with a group of people who are already "friends" ever.

(My roommate cranking up the heat in the middle of the night, turning on the water when she goes to the bathroom, or 40 minute hot water stealing showers- status updates do not count, name not used, and its not unkind, its facts of the day.:))

Sometimes rules just have to apply to everyone but me:)

I feel like having a conversation with a stranger on the phone the other night, broke my heart.

He and I figured out who we had in common.

My family was drawn into it.

And it cut me to the core.

I wish people were less judgemental.

I wish people knew that we are all so susceptible to falling, and failing, and losing our faith and our solid ground, and making the worst choices.

I feel like it broke my heart.

I feel like I am having the worst gosh dang day.

I think someone should delurk, might make me feel better.

It was a good day, but the days are catching up with me.

Is anyone else feeling the need to have a I feel like moment??

A little tired.

I love him so much.

The Greatest Picture Ever.

2011-11-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I couldn't love Olivia more.

Nikki (my sister-in-heart-but-law) sent me this picture this morning, and my heart exploded with pride.

With our grumpy little Conan O'Brien.

Don't mess with the Kilfoyle girls in the morning.

Look how angry and awesome I was.

And yes, totally blog worthy.

Love love love it.

This One Time Someone Tried To Kill Me During Black Friday.

2011-11-28T21:32:00.002-07:00

Okay, so the kill me part is a "slight" extension of the truth/lie. but really, omg. (I've really started saying omg lately, and I don't know why, I really don't know why, it's a really dramatic way of saying OOOOOOOOOOOH MMMMMY GOOOOOOOOOOSH now you know)..

Get ready for a story.

Once Upon A Time, there was a girl who had an older brother who just had to have Play Station 3, k, so this could be bad.

My brother wanted a PS3

My Sister In Law Nikki got the last golden ticket.

She waited in line.

For and hourish.

I on the other was asked to get two video games for him.

I had NO idea what I was getting into.

I don't support black Friday, well.. I hadn't up until last week.

And like a train wreck to say the least I crashed into it.

Waiting around the displays.

Teenage boys surrounding me, I ensured that I had my flirt on. I had 5 different guys getting Madden for me, I knew it was beyond my control.

Chaos.

It was so stressful.

The guy next to me had a pack of Cigarettes in his pocket.

I nearly asked for one.

NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW WHAT SMOKING DOES FOR THE NERVES.

Guys.

Oh the things I have done, you just oh man, that is all I can say about that.

Gross.

I hope my kids are like my perfect man that I have yet to find.

Okay, off track again.

Shocking.

So, my hand was literally on one of the games I needed.

I had it made.

I flirted shamelessly for an hour with underage boys.

I even applied chapstick.

I was set.

Then the countdown was on.

5 minutes were left.

And then like out of Planet of the fetching Apes people started chanting.. "ooohhhwwwooo"

It was straight up ridiculous.

Forget Cigarettes, I needed to run far far away.

Nikki on the other side of the store knew i was done for when she heard the crown.

And before I knew it my hand was not on the display at all, because the dang display was being flipped.

And before I knew it was being pushed and pulled, and the bruises on my arms.

Well.

People are insane.

And according to my facebook status a few minutes later.

"Black Friday is proof enough that the world is indeed coming to an end"

Never ever again.

I still got both the games:)

A boy found me in the store (one I flirted with) and game me madden.

It was a good Thanksgiving though.

Spent it with O & some of my family.

How magical.

Hate you black Friday.

We are not friends.

This song, oh this song. Every once in a while I stumble across a song that knocks me to a place so deep I can't quite explain it. Oh to be the girl ever so brave, that leaves it all behind, to vanish among the billions of us on planet earth. Its stunning. Stunning. Stunning. I like sad songs. I like songs that matter, that cause you to think. I like happy songs too. However I think this song is happy in its own right, its about taking chances, those you hurt, but love you just the same, and somehow remember you always. Okay, sad. Whatever.

Not Quite Sure How.

2011-11-26T17:04:00.001-07:00

I want to change my world.

Not quite sure how.

I want to be better.

Not quite sure how.

I want certain memories to fade away forever.

Not quite sure how.

I want it to be so much easier.

Not quite sure how.

I want to be fearless.

Not quite sure how.

I want to erase you.

Not quite sure how.

I want to find someone to love me, forever and ever.

Not quite sure how.

I guess for now, this will do.

*life is kinda hard*

P.S All photos were stolen fair and square from leloveimage.blogspot.com

& a random twitter from someone..

Life Is A Crazy, Insane, & Beautiful Adventure

2011-11-23T19:00:00.001-07:00

Life is a crazy, insane, & beautiful adventure.

Tomorrow marks the historical day of Thanksgiving (don't ask me, something about Pilgrims and Indians, and I never paid any attention during school) I probably should google it. Remember the good ol' days when we had to haul butt to the library and do actual research that took effort? I feel so old.

I had a parent just explain to me what a Smart Board was, she called me an old lady when I used the term Chalk Board.

I read somewhere online the other day, and bare with me I most likely will butcher this quote.. "the only way to truly be happy is to accept that things always change.."

Chalk Board Smart Board.

Big Whoop.

Okay now that my A.D.D..ness is obvious let me get back on to whatever subject this turns into.

Thankful.

I should live my life in such a way that gratitude seeps through my bones and leaves marks from the souls of my shoes, leaving my thanks on each and every path that I take.

I have so much to be thankful for.

After the endless battle I gave in, and yet.. I was blessed with a team of experts and a therapist who could read the lining of my very heart and soul, and helped me find a way out of the hurt that was woven through my memories from such a tender age.

Depression.

I don't talk about it nearly as much as I once did, but the truth is this. It will always be in my life, it will always have a beat within my chest, a quiet reminder that I still have to fight, and that I have to choose to overcome and push forward with so much faith that the world would and will fail to shake me.

If you think of the term night and day it would express my life so simply.

Who I was, who I am.

All of it.

I'm thankful.

I struggle to talk about it, it sometimes seems so far removed from today and sometimes its hold on my emotions is far too real, and too tender, some places in our lives we respect the memory but to visit too long is too hard. Our bravery in not going back isn't questioned but the gift of time was allotted to us, and to me and I am safest when I move on. Safe. I remember, no where near forgotten, but its safe to place in the memories we keep on the back burner, but hold the highest respect for.

Like today when I was scanning my blog, I stumbled across an old post.. and in said post I was repeating a conversation I had had with my mom, and I said, "mom, remember all those years you fought so hard to love me? And I wouldn't let you?"

I am thankful.

I am elated to be the girl from this family.

My little brother is divine, he's our families greatest treasure. Like Peter Pan, who refused to grow up, Andrew never will.

My mom. Oh my mom.

She's my 24/7 on the job best friend/therapist/everything.

My ~~Step~~ Dad, he's the most wonderful man.

He has taught our family to shine, when we were so dim for so long.

He has stuck with us, through every storm, how lucky.

And brought us a Camryn, Reese, Jenny, York, Tess, Paige, Jylaire, Matt, London, Piper, & Beckett..

Thankful.

And for Jordan who married Nikki and who together gave as an O.

Olivia.

Grace.

How I am thankful for her? Words will fail.

She's two now.

I wish she would stay little forever.

However, watching her grow is one of the simplest joys in my life.

Thankful for the simplest things.

Introducing her to Beauty and the Beast, cuddled up on my lap, a bowl of popcorn vanishing between the two of us, and her sweet "Scary.." "Oh its nice now.." It's funny how something so normal becomes your favorite memory.

2011:

oh you craptastic and fantastic year.
Most of the crap I brought on myself, thank you very much:)

I'm thankful for the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, those I've met, and those stories I've heard that have mended me heart and helped me in fighting the battle I've fought this year.

I'm thankful for my weakness, and my addictions.
It has taught me wonderful things.
I've lost a lot, but in return I have gained something far greater.
Challenging?
Always.
Impossible?
Never.

I'm thankful for for my good friends.

I'm thankful for the friend I lost this year.

I have learned I have grown and I am better for it.

I'm thankful for my bed.
It's older then Steven Tyler, but its comfortable, it fits.

I'm thankful for my out of control eating habits.
*to a point*
To not be tied down by fear of food, you don't even know.. maybe you do, oh recovery. How I needed you.

I'm thankful for yesterdays gone by.

Last year at this time my home was filled with his sweet spirit.
I miss his daily "love you's.."
But the trick of time is simple, I had them once.
Life is a precious thing.

I'm thankful for the group of friends I got to know this past year.
It was a hot mess.
Everyone seemed to have something to say about the other..
I learned.
I learned to be better.
I learned to be kinder.
I learned to shut up & shut up some more, right?
I have never claimed to be perfect.
Oh man.
Should'ah would'ah.. but its too late now.
Oh well.

I'm thankful for a friends divorce, that taught me that love should be honored.
I'm thankful for the idiot that broke my heart.
I'm broken hearted for the heart that I broke, but he just never belonged to me.
Love, what a thing. Thankful, thankful.

I'm thankful for my fellow bloggers.
Peeking in on the lives of others, seeing their joy, their hurt, their whatever it may be.
I love it.
My favorite stranger?
I'm Thankful for Her

*Reagan Brienholt photo*

Reagan, oh her blog. Her life. Her journey. It leaves me with a constant need to be thankful, and a need to say a prayer for Piper Jane & her well being.

It's not every day you stumble across a blog that teaches you to shine in the face of such adversity.
It is the only blog I have read from start to finish, and it was with sadness that I reached the beginning.
A definite Gosh Dangit moment.
Read about them.
Reags will make you laugh.
She'll make you cry.
She'll make you thankful.
Piper Jane will fill you with bliss.

I'm thankful for comments.
I'm thankful for followers.
I'm thankful for this creative outlet.
Its a refuge I adore and sometimes quite frankly would be lost without.

I'm thankful for joy.
It took so long for me to find it.
I'm thankful for a million other things.
Like mechanics.
Diet Dr. Pepper.
Cafe Rio.
&
Tampons.
Pads... omg, can you imagine?
But this post would be eternal.

I'm thankful.

See?

because I love Brandi.

Lets Play Have You Ever.

2011-11-20T22:46:00.003-07:00

Have You Ever?

This game always gets me in trouble, because I have to admit to most of the Have You Ever's, and a few times I've lied to get out of the admitting.

Have You Ever?

Your turn, raise your hand or type a yes, OR whatever suits you..

Have you ever thrown so many articles of clothing into the wash at once you live in fear for 45 minutes that its going to explode?

OMYGOSH, right now the only thing I am thinking about is how lazy I am for not doing two separate loads.

I am saving the planet one less load of laundry at a time, but ruining washers left and right.

This one time I swear I caused a washer to have a seizure.

Have You Ever?
Have You?
Please say yes.
Or spent an epic amount of time untangling a bra from another bra or tank top?

Have You Ever?

Lets see.. have you ever joined an online dating forum and felt your life slip between your fingers and then you call your best friend hysterical and out of control, and all she does is laugh at you for being the crazy fool that joined?

Have You Ever had your friend ask to come over so she can see the new requests?

Have You Ever had your friend fall out of a chair laughing?

Have You Ever had this happen multiple times?

Have You Ever had another friend jump up and scream with wailing arms "Abort, abort, abort, abort!" and you're stunned because he seemed nice, but alas she knows him. Ugh.

Have You Ever canceled two blind dates on account of terror?

For the record, I blocked most of the real creepers so I can't get their pictures..

But this could go on and on.

U.S Burrito is his code name. I respect him for that purpose alone.

I'm US Albino.

Big Daddy.

That's what he called himself.

I just lose my mind over bifocals you know.

I just don't even get it.

He just won't even leave me alone.

But I just can't find it in my heart to block him, he is just so adorably adorable and a nuh uh..

What?

He titled this "just lookin for someone"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMYhhheck

People.

There is a song, a great song called People Help The People.

He would probably wear this while he was killing me.

What?

THE

FRIKKKEN

HECK.

Why?

Is this where he would dispose of my body?

Just kill me.

Have You Ever considered becoming a male/mail/? order bride so you don't have to deal with this, I HAVE! I HAVE!

Or becoming a nun.

Or just stay awesome and single works too.

Well this one time I decided to not online date at all and just cancel all of my dates.

Have You Ever?!?!?

I MEAN HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAVE YOU?

This is a really dramatic blog.

I'm feeling dramatic though, must be due to the fact that I am alive.

And on another Have You Ever..

Have You Ever woke up in an insane amount of pain and discomfort like you ran a mile or a marathon (mine would be a mile) the day before? And you uh, know for a fact you have not done any physical activity in a hundred dog years.

Maybe I'm dying.

Hey, no more dating, phew.

Be thankful for your husbands.

And your boyfriends.

And be even more thankful for them if they do your laundry.

Bra's n all.

Spoiler Alert, Breaking Down Dawn.

2011-11-19T11:49:00.003-07:00

Spoiler Alert.

I'm talkin about Breaking Dawn.

Once Upon A Time I Was A Vampire Too.

Ghostly white vampire, not glittery though because I was inside.

So I have been known to make fun of all of my friends who read The Twilight Series.

I have a handful who are die hard.

I read the second book back east.

Never read the first, tried reading the third and just couldn't get into more then two pages..

Oh my boyfriend is so beautiful his voice a velvet symphony oh but never mind he's freezing cold... I just couldn't even handle it.

But alas curiosity got the better part of me and I started reading Breaking Dawn this past summer. I read two chapters maybe.. and put it down, bored, bored, bored.

Then I was sick for a few days.. read it again.

Skipped chunks of pages at a time, that dang werewolf Jacob can be so annoying in his pining after a girl that will never be his.. I am NOT Team Jacob.

My best friend said the following to me when we ended our phone conversation and I informed her of the book I was reading.. "Sick, have fun throwing up.."

When Bella birthed the baby in the book, I was dry heaving with images, but laughed outloud when "Bad Reneseme" or however you spell that ridiculous name came into play. But in all my page skipping I just had to know what this little demon came out as, and I gotta say I haven't gotten past the imprinting pages. I need to quit reading for a while.

BUT THE MOVIE.

Oh my gosh.

It was awesomely bad and pretty good at the same time.

I like how it was a porn film/horror film.

What I learned:

Don't sleep with a vampire, your love demon baby will make you look so disgusting, and force you to drink blood, then you'll pick a poloygamist type name for your child, then your child will do things to your body, oh man.. and then your husband will have to turn you into a vampire and you'll have red eyes. RED.

(my favorite part of this entire movie was someone saying of FB that they had to call paramedics because someone in their theater kept passing out during the birthing scene)

Werewolves are terrible actors.

All of them.

It's strange.

I was the only one that couldn't stop laughing when Jacob stood his ground, "I AM BLAH BLAH BLAH'S GRANDSON.."

I might have gotten teary eyed when that dang dog cried, I am telling you I cry during every movie.

When a grown man imprints on a newborn, well lets just say the entire theater laughs and then I sit there in silence thinking about how its the creepiest thing I have ever witnessed in a movie, ever, aside from watching a vampire and a human on their honeymoon.

Like for real.

So awkward, right?

Going to my sister in laws after we turned on the tv, and the first Twilight was on, and I got all melencholy and tragic because Edward was so handsome in the first one.

WHAT HAPPEND!??!?!?!!?

Overall, its not for kids.

It was a good movie, aside from the above stated ridiculousness.

I'll never watch it again most likely, but you can bet your life I'll see the sequeal.

Its a sickness I say.

I have had a love affair with Sleeping At Last for a while now, and the minute they began playing this song my entire little body frame went aflutter, such a pure and lullaby-ic *Its a word to me* voice. And this song just swept me away. I might have gotten teary eyed, gosh dang it I am such a wimp when it comes to music set to motion with a piano.. I tear up even inevitably, I blame it on both hemispheres of my brain working at the same time.

One day I will dance with a boy, and we will be all googly and annoying to this song.

"Nothing prepared me for.. what the privileged of being yours would do.. I surrender who I've been, for who you are. Nothing makes me stronger then the fragile heart, if I had only felt how it feels to be yours. Then I would have known what I have been living for all along. What I have been living for. We are tethered to the story we must tell, when I saw you I knew we would tell it well."

The Unsure How To Blog About This Blog. Lets Call It One Day

2011-11-17T23:50:00.001-07:00

One Day

*be warned not a funny post*

You know that feeling you get when you first walk into a hospital room and someone you love has just had a baby, and you feel such a delicacy and tenderness about life. You eventually wait until someone is willing to share this new life with you, you fill your arms, and you are swept away with an emotion so sweet, a love so pure, and you wish you could express it accurately, but you know you will fail. And you wish for the tiny love bug to never know pain, and dream the wildest dreams for them, only you convince yourself without actually having to that the dreams are not wild at all? And you love that little one, like you never imagined, and have a hard time recalling a time when they weren't there. And you wish for them to stay so tiny forever, and then one day they grow... one day they do, they somehow change, you blink and that baby is a distant memory.

Like a life lost too soon, you wait to catch your breath and once you do, you swear, you swear you will never again breathe the same yet you do, one day you just do. You remember them just as much, you hurt for them a little less. You honor, and you wait for your reunion.

Like loving a recovering addict and having so much faith in them, and then out of nowhere one day they relapse and you realize you have to show them even more faith and even more love.

Like a divorce you never saw coming. A friend of mine recently had a husband chose to walk away, without adequate reason, not much of a man, and he wounded her like I have never before seen nor felt, and I swear he ruined someone, but little by little she found her light again. And for a moment all she could do was plead for him to come back, through prayers so deep and anger and sorrow so profound, at times she would beg me to say that he would. I have never heard broken so tangible, and yet one day, not too far from now, I know she will be whole again.

Like your first kiss, it flips your whole world and you have a secret that you can't wait to share with your world of friends, romance blooms and you think you might just die from glee. Kisses become kisses and you wait to have your last first kiss, one day without knowing it, or maybe somehow in the back of your mind you think.. "If God is willing and its my time, I swear this is my last first kiss.."

To whom it may concern:

I walked into a mechanic shop tonight. The smell knocked the breath from my lungs and I felt a weightlessness and yet the heaviest pain. You were everywhere. I felt your memory run through my veins. I felt your light and I felt your darkness. I swear I could smell the orange scented soap you used every night when you came home, I have a hard time with orange scented things. Grease and oil, who knew such a combo could bring me to my knees (not literally, its public) I pictured your hands, the lines marked with black that never went away, proving just how hard you worked for us. I never was without and yet somehow I always was. Life is such a difficult and beautiful thing. Sometimes we reach our goals and sometimes we fall so incredibly short of the simplest task. Sometimes we love so profoundly and at other times forget without any effort. Sometimes I remember you like a train wreck straight through the soul and sometimes I leave you tucked away in a memory impossible to obtain. Time sometimes causes us to ruin our very own hearts and play an entirely different tune of mending its very ache. We can tell our child we never loved him or her and cause them to bleed with an internal wound that takes forever to mend, but we can also wrap then in our arms five years later and weep. Tears are sometimes an apology that is too difficult to speak. How we can harm one another is astounding. How quickly the years will come and go, without a single memory built within those days with someone you love so much. The tragedy in life is simple, love lost. Sometimes you love someone so much, but the fear is so thick that you don't know how. What if we never learn how? What if one day we figure it out. What if one day we figure us out. What if one day

doesn't turn into another year gone by. Christmas will be another year since we've spoken. What if dad, what if?

Some of my blogs matter.

Some of my blogs are impossible to publish.

Some of my blogs make me cry as I write them.

Some of my blogs allow for healing.

Some of my blogs are my deepest wish.

Carrie Underwood sang this to begin with. But Kelly, oh she slays me. This version, wins. And this song, oh this song. One Day

Oh, Yeah I'm Talkin' About It.

2011-11-15T21:16:00.003-07:00

Okay.

If you're a female and you go to dinner with a group of your girlfriends you will discuss the following.

Your man.

Your friends man who you don't think she should be dating.

Oprah isn't really on so much anymore, so no Oprah.

Your kids.

Your kids whose friends house they aren't allowed to go over to.
How I don't have kids and instantly crawl into a hole of whatever hole I go into.

Your weight.

Who has lost some and who has gained.

Laundry vs Dishes or household chores you're severely neglecting.

etc.

Whose annoying who more on FB.

Who deactivated.

Who reactivated.
Someone will talk about Twilight.

Someone will say they hate Vampires.

Some will talk about the uninvited friend who most of you don't like, but can't quite get rid of altogether.

You'll wish you ordered what so and so ordered.

And you'll think, gees going out to eat is such a waste of money (if you're me)

And then inevitably the conversation will turn.

Not gonna lie, its one of my favorite subjects.

PERIODS.

If its taboo and you cannot believe I am writing about it, oh man.

I simply cannot get over them.

I hate them.

I find them to be a vial necessity, and gag me with a spoon I cannot believe I have to deal with them for another 20 years, 20.

It's not enough that the day before I start without fail I have some sort of nervous break down, sobbing over nothing, and then the very next day it all clicks, or I've called my mom mid breakdown and she'll say.. "Shaylynn did you start or are about to start?"

and sometimes she's dead on.

Honestly though, its depressing to think about.

Its not enough that you have to buy gosh dang tampons.

I find them to be expensive.

Right?

And the paranoia of scheduling your life around bathroom stops and the heck no's to swimming adventures.

And praying your next vacation will not fall under your curse.

And the lovely way your skin/my skin betrays me just like my stomach which decides to expand to unnecessary lengths.
And body parts that never hurt, hurt.
And I know, I know..

Cramps.

I just started getting them recently.

WTH are those things all about?

I might just die sometimes.

I will really be in the middle of it all and think, "shoot, this really will kill me." So far I have lived.

I hate periods.

But I find it so crazy the way you really feel like your losing your mind * if you are me*
Honestly, I cannot even count on all my appendages the number of times I have sobbed over nothing, like nothing, and the next day I have a moment, realize why.. and am totally borderline mortified.
Today for example I spent a good 2 minutes wondering if there was a pill I could take, just once a month to numb my emotions.

But I find it even crazier when someone is on theirs and then they get really happy.

I find it joyful when I can call someone out for being on theirs, like bam! "you're being a beast, how's your period?"

But I hate when men point it out, I just do.

Really hate them.

Really just wanted to blog about it.

Any good stories?

This one time in High School, in Child Development..

True story.

Oh the worst part about a period besides all the other worst parts..
Thinking you're crazy because you're about to start, and you don't.

Selfish vs Selfless.. Oh Man.

2011-11-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've been meeting with someone.

Getting some guidance in my life.

During our second meeting, without a word outside of hello and how are you, he handed me a stack of pages, with a single paragraph highlighted, and you would be shocked to find out, it was a paragraph catered to my troubled heart and very much an answer.

Selfishness.

It is human to be selfish.

Selflessness.

It is not always human to be selfless, oh how I wish I were more so.

I needed to be told I am selfish at times, dangerously so.

This blog is impossible to write.

I have erased countless paragraphs, which isn't like me, I tend to put it all out there.

But its difficult to say to my blogging world, "do you know how selfish I have been this year?"

It is selfish to gossip.

It is selfish to give in.

It is selfish to think the worst of people.

It is selfish to hate, because I did, I absolutely hated someone. (working on that)

It is selfish to not call to say hello.

It is selfish to forget the world still spins.

It is selfish to not think of others.

I could go on.

But man, that was hard enough to write knowing that it was all true.

It was a year ago this month that I gave into selfishness, and started the slow demise and active decent into something that caused myself and my family and friends great heartache.
And now, as I face my reality it is with a heavy heart and a realization of how differently life could have been.

Choices.

It is a choice.

It was a choice.

Every single day is a choice.

Selfish.

Selfless.

It took me a long while, but I learned from my mistakes, and am continuing to learn.

I want to have a light again.

And in these pictures, I was noticing, light.. I think its finding me again.

I will remember this year for the rest of my life.

Most likely all too clearly, there is so much I wish to forget, but in forgetting we fail to remember the most important moments, the hard ones, the disastrous ones, all of them leading up to something greater.

Making us who our mothers dreamed of us to become.

To be less selfish.

It is the goal of my life.

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe." Jeffery R. Holland.

Selfish

Selfless.

Guess which one I am trying to gain more of?

Guess which one I am trying to rid myself of?

P.s. I hated writing this blog, but I know I needed to.

Love Stories Begin All The Time.

2011-11-11T17:57:00.000-07:00

Love stories end all the time.

As simple as leaves leaving their branch, a simple wind causes them to part to never return.

Love stories end all the time.

Love stories begin all the time.

Like a tree yet to bring forth the fruit of its labor.

It requires time.

It requires the kindness of the sun, and the compassion of the rain.

It will blossom while no one is watching, and one day the whole world, or better yet your world will notice.

Love stories begin all the time.

In times of war, you'll find love somewhere amidst the battle.

In times of sorrow you will find joy.

In times of darkness even if you have to break open every crack to find it, you'll find light.

Tomorrow I have a date.

And I am mildly nervous, but I have to remind myself that love stories do indeed begin, all the time.

I just have to take the shot, hope for the best, and hope I make it into the basket.

And keep in mind just becasue my last guy turned out to not be him, he was leading me to "him"..

So optimistic.

Blind dating is not for whimps, I would like to think I'm tough.

Adle is the soundtrack to my life circa 2011.

Confessions Of A Soap Star.

2011-11-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

Okay.

So not really, but maybe it's a true statement to those that know me best, or uh kinda know me at all:)

I have this problem.

I'm thinking about taking up some classes.

Or going to therapy.

Here it is.

I'm laying down on a leather couch/chair thing a-ma-bob.

And I trust you, Doc.

And for the record I've been to therapy many a times, there was never any laying down.. ever.

1. 2. 3.

I get mad easily.

Not like throwing my couch or anything else throw able..

But I overreact to uh, pretty much everything.

It's a trait I inherited from my Fatha.

Never mind, move on.

That is another therapy session I don't trust myself enough to delve into.

But I get mad.

And I fume.

And I hold onto the "I am so pissed at you" flame for too long.

I don't get over things quickly.

I need at least a day to be mad at you.

It's pride.

It's a bad bad bad habit.

I gotta figure out how to not be so ubber sensitive to EVERY gosh dang thing.

Wonder when that is going to happen.

Probably not tomorrow.

Or the next day.

Maybe next Tuesday.

For the record Dr. I've been so much better then I used to be.

Dude, You're An Idiot.

2011-11-08T21:31:00.001-07:00

I have dealt with a lot of class A jerks this week.

Oh My Crap.

Mostly with work, but this #1 wins.

I gave an absolute jerk my phone number.

Lets go over the rules of dating or getting to know someone.

Do not, do not, do not text someone six times before they ever text you back..

Including some of the following texts..

"Ducka! Ducka! Ducka!"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

"Let me know if I am bugging you:)"

And four other texts I can't even remember, nor kept long enough to allow a delay in forgetting.

Just because a girl doesn't tell you her last name so you can find her on facebook doesn't mean its an honor to be my friend on facebook, like I'm the queen of England.

It's called she met you online and has some sense about herself and her safety.

There is no arrogance.

And if you tell her... "I am a really nice guy, there aren't many out there like me.. you're lucky I am taking the time to get to know you.."

She'll run, if she was her wits about her.

or my favorite idiot awarded text..

"I hope your personality matches your face.."

Apparently he means, I hope you don't have a bad personality.

Next time sweetheart, man up, and call a girl. Texting is for friends who have known each other a thousand years and know how to read the other person.

There was more.

But it's not worth repeating.

He wasn't nice.

And lets just face it.

I was pretty dang nice about it, "I wish you well" was the extent of my "Shut the crap up already, dude you're exhausting... and you're 26 and live with your mom and dad, its gross."

It didn't even bother me that I didn't have the last word.

Because I have it here.

And that is good enough for me.

It was a red lipstick moment, sometimes being quiet is hard to do, but it leaves you with a little bit of class.

And leaves them thinking about how much you don't care.

It's a little awesome.

Poor guy, he's gonna live at home forever.
And in the words of my girl Miranda Lambert..

"You'll never be half the man your momma is.."

This song has nothing to do with this post whatsover.

As If I Had Ruined His Heart..

2011-11-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

Hello is such a simple casual thing when its new.

So simple that we forget the first words that were ever exchanged.

However goodbye is so different.

We remember every word.

We remember the last embrace.
We remember.

I remember.

Lately I have remembered him.

I have remembered how good he was to me.

I remember him in the way he deserves.

I remember him as he lay next to me all night, I was so sick, so lost, and he stayed to ensure my safety.

He carried me home once, literally.

He saw me at my very worst, over and over again.

Through glistened eyes he told me he would wait for me, forever if needed.

A best friend should never fall in love with you.

It ruins everything.

Him loving me, ruined everything.

The way he looked as if I had ruined his heart when I walked away.

It's been fresh on my mind lately.

Like a song you love so much, you can repeat verbatim the chorus, you hear every note, and it sends chills through your internal universe of bones and tissue.

You're alive, every part of you.

And you wonder.

You wonder if you let love go too soon.

You wonder if you gave up on someone who would love you your whole life, no matter what.

And by you, I mean I.

I wonder.

I think I willed him back into my life when I came home and found his car in my driveway.

My ~~friend~~ roommate was making dinner for him.

I drowned out his voice.

I drowned out his laughter.

I drowned out how much I miss him.

When I simply couldn't bare to go home he was my home.

I would fall asleep on his couch, watching him study.

I would cry to him about how I was losing a friend.

I would tell him about my life, the secrets only the truest hearts know.

I trusted him like I trusted the sun to rise and set.

I would go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere because I asked him to take me away from it all.

I would laugh when he was funny, and tell him when he wasn't.

I would think of him introducing me to his yet to be wife, and I would smile.

He wasn't meant for me.

I love him so much.

But I could never imagine having his children.

Taking care of him as his wife.

Love is love.

He was in love with me.

And it might sound selfish, crazy, insane, unrealistic, selfish, crazy, insane, repeat.. to not fall in love with someone who would honor you always..

But it just wasn't there.

The electric spark of promise and commitment wasn't there.

Maybe it was timing.

Maybe it was my life being in shambles at the time.

But I know this much.

Sometimes loving someone means letting them go, setting them free.

I just know this much, tonight as I miss my friend so much I am comforted by this simple fact..

Someone so much like him.

Like Adele..

Only less heartbreaking.

He took care of me.

Who wouldn't miss such a gift?

I am different then I was a few months ago.
So I think its okay now, I think it is.

It better be, because I am going on two dates next week.

Two.

Sorry for the sad post by the way.

Sometimes I dwell, and I write about it and I let it go, and I move on.. and lucky you.. I do it here.

Find me, please.

I have been waiting so long.

I met a woman she had a mouth like yours.

She knew your life she knew your devils and your deeds.

And she says go to him.

Stay with him if you can.

But be prepared to bleed.

You're my blood you're my holy wine.

You taste so bitter and sweet.

I could drink a case of you darlin.

And I would still be on my feet..

7 Billion Humans.

2011-11-02T21:16:00.002-07:00

There are 7 Billion people in this world.

Some are newly arriving, some are on their way to a place much simpler and brighter then this.

It has baffled my mind lately, something I can't quite wrap my head around.. you know simply because it is such an extraordinary number.

What a crazy notion that I am one of 7 billion that are alive right now, and I won't even pretend to not be baffled by the number that have passed and have yet to even be.

Oh man.

I feel small.

But I also feel such a compliment in being me, and being the girl that gets to meet the extraordinary, simple, wild, reserved, plain, complicated, breath taking, breath stealing, joyful, struggling, addicted, free.. etc.. people that I have been blessed enough to have found along the way.

The way our life unfolds is never expected.

A page will turn in our story that we never could have possibly been prepared for, but somewhere along the way or in the near future you or rather I have been blessed with the paths crossing of another, who helps me close that chapter or learn from it.

I think sometimes the weight of loss is so profound, the ache of missing someone is a thief that robs us of the joy of the memory.

What if though?

What if I really just stopped and appreciated the memory, I had them because God saw me fit to have them when I did.

What if though?

What if I really just soaked in the memory of someone I am struggling to love and really just focus on this simple truth, "we have to love our enemies, we alone created them."

What if I did my best to make my number count, my limited contact with these 7 billion humans and make myself the best version of myself.. so our paths when they cross or have already.. it mattered.

What if though?

What if I called a friend out of the blue who I haven't spoken to a million years, just to remind myself that it was for a reason.

What if though?

What if I were better?

A friend said the most amazing thing the other day.

A running analogy I actually got something out of, heaven and the devil knows I hate running.

She said though, (something along these lines, I am an awful requoter or uh quoter) I just ran a marathon and I trained for it, etc.. and it was hard. But I hit my goal and then I stopped running. I ran again this morning and I haven't ran in such a long time and so today my legs, feet, thighs hurt.. What if though.. What if I just never stopped because starting over is painful.. Why do I have to make it harder, why do I cause myself hurt.

Okay, when she said it.. it was far more beautifully said then that, but it struck me like lightening and shook me like thunder.

I need to be a better person.

I am not awful.

I am not an epic let down.

I am just in need of improvement.

And mostly, as I write this.. I think of this fact.

7 billion people are in this world.

And I am trying to find the courage, heart sized, mountain strength style.. to find the one carved out of the universe just for me.

Hope he's there.

What if though?

What if he's right around the corner counting sheep, trying to fall asleep, thinking about a girl who he wants to fall asleep next to for the rest of his life?

And that girl is me?

What if?

I think with numbers this high in the universe.

There is bound to be a heart that can understand mine.

I would be a lost cause without it.

Counting countless sheep.

Mwahahaha, Scary Halloweenish Blog.

2011-10-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

McKayla, Kayla, Tasha & The Giant Albino herself.

Scray haunted corn maze-thing a mah bob.

Purple was the accent.

Glitter was the lashes.

Cobwebs was the deal.

Stolen from someone elses creativity.

I dug it.

Olivia & Pumpkins & Memories.

She wears her stunnas' at all times.

She's so fly like that.

Love her.

Crocks n' all.

I carved the big guy.

Monika carved the ghosts.

That's all I got.

Bet you're surprised I posted without some saga about life.

But I don't really find anything dramatic or poetic in Halloween.

Hope you all ate too much like I did.

Laughed too much like I did.

And just scared the crap out of each other.. ;)

My Clouds Are Lined With Glitter.

2011-10-29T13:38:00.001-07:00

It has been an interesting week.

For the past six days I have been an eclectic arrangement of emotions.

I have been a range of colors and hues, from black to the brightest shade of yellow.

It's been an interesting week.

You know when you finally make a choice, the one you have been dancing around for ages and days and months and in my case years?

I made a choice and I followed through, and I won't go into detail, if you really want to know I will tell you, if you really already know.. then you're probably a dear friend.

However the choice I made was to pursue a path of faith.

It started with meeting with someone.

The weight of that meeting was something I cannot express.

Something I cannot pinpoint.

Something that still feels almost dreamlike, impossible and possible.

I can do hard things.

Honestly this week has been trying.

A cloud overhead.

The sun dying to shine its light.

Sometimes the world seems to be working against me when I am doing my best to move ahead.

Life is about choices.

I made my choice and there is no going back.

I set a goal, and I will reach it.

Nothing or no one will stop me, it's what I have to do.

Sometimes choosing happiness and choosing joy is very difficult, but difficulty I can handle.

Because I know that my clouds are lined with glitter.

My friend doesn't like my hair short.

She wears cowboy boots so I didn't get too emotional over it.

She also told me I had lost weight.

When was I fat, oh man I don't like being told that I have lost weight, like at all.

Her boyfriend proposed to her this week.

Bridesmaid here I come. Red, I get to wear red. Red guys!

Girl came into our office yesterday.

B.O.

I really started to dry heave. It was awful, but I stood strong and didn't throw up at all.

Went through a drive through, my friend on the other end of the line laughs instantly and says, "Oh my heck, you're at In & Out!.." The onion question dead give-a-way. Kinda made me feel fat.

I carved a pumpkin with Monika.

Saw two Zombies walking/however Zombies walk across a parking lot, and the girl stopped in all freaky distortion of body parts and started right at us.

I told my friend that we just experienced a moment, a "remember that one time" moment, classic.

A call to best friend Wanda/Marianne was in order to explain the events, and it made me miss her.

Spent an hour in the car talking to Natasha.

We find who we need.

I chatted online with potential dates/guys who have asked me out already.

I have no idea if I dare brave it all over again.

I played cards with my grandparents, one game. two hours.

Grandma own, I didn't even cry about it.

My Grandpa talked to me about things that I felt were carved out of this broken universe, placed in my hands and left for me with an opportunity to mend.

I was gluing pieces back together all night.

What we need the very most is given when we take the time to appreciate it.

This week as I have started the transition.

Straightened my path I have thought of someone.

He stole me one night, and in the middle of nowhere, he talked to me about things that mattered.

He talked to me about my light, and how he knows it can burn so much brighter.

How much I had helped him.

All the things I wasn't deserving of hearing during that particular time in my life.

I have thought about how I miss him.

I bet he would be proud of me.

Then again, he was a part of my decision so it's like he was there after all.

Sometimes we have to let go of someone to find who we are supposed to be.

It's never in vain.

It's all a part of my broken universe and the lessons I am learning, and somehow because of the choice I made I felt a part of that brokenness mend.

When we're ready, it will happen.

This was a random post, I know.
But it has been a random week.

I love you for reading.

P.S. I hope you're watching Once Upon A Time. here

Its magical, glitter style.

The Brightest Lights.

2011-10-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

(Misty Moo took this, for the record so I remember who I was with)

Did you notice that my clothes don't match at all?

Perhaps.

Did you notice that my jacket is too mall?

Hopefully.

Did you know that I bought way too many ariticles of clothing from Aero in my late teens?

Ugh.

Did you notice the city lights in the background?

Today as I was driving my normal 18.6 minute drive to work I thought of this particular photo.

On the way home from my place of my employment I thought of this photo again.

I thought of how bright the city was glowing that night.

I thought of the houses I unknowingly captured.

I thought of the houses with too many lights on, marking a sleepless night.

I thought of the houses that are falling apart with internal conflict, and love fading.

I thought of the lights that remained on so a new mother could comfort her tiny babe, or another.. taking care of the sick little one.

I thought of the house I once lived in.

I thought of how their lights are not longer my lights, but they once shined because I was there.

I thought about how quickly things can change, in the blink of an eye.

I learned that if you quickly shift your arm while capturing the city lights, you'll get this.

No flash for the record.

It's different every time.

No light comes up the same.

Some of it was blurred.

And at times, they appeared with perfect clarity.

Lights.

Life.

Everything.

Everything and anything can change so quickly.

A constant can become a question.

A stranger can become a dear friend.

A friend a stranger.

A boyfriend a memory.

Photo by Misty Moo

I am finding myself within these lights more and more every day.

Content.

So content.

Happy.

"Life is a gorgeous

Broken gift

Six billion pieces waiting to be fixed

Love letters never signed

Sent to where we live

The sweetest thing I've ever heard is that I don't have to have the answers

Just a little light to call my own

Though it pails in comparison to the overarching shadows

A speck of light can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole.."

Emphasis

By Sleeping At Last.

I Have A Moo.

2011-10-24T20:30:00.001-07:00

Sitting on the edge of my favorite place in the "St. George" universe with my dearest old roommate Misty Moo, I felt a wave of joy, nausea (we were eating an excessive amount of ice cream) (and MAYBE launching it off the cliff trying to hit cars) and bitersweetness-ness.. Double ness.

Mostly joy.

Everyone needs a Misty.

Why read this, you might be wondering..

Just do, I get bragging rights.. of all the nearly 7 billion people in the world, I am among the handful that got to meet this girl.

Suckers, all the other 6 billion some odd million and thousands who haven't met her, and won't.

Misty.

It's funny how much can change in a year.

She's had like 16 boyfriends.

Or 3.

I've had 3ish, kinda more like 2ish or just 1ish.

She and I joked about how she is a serial dater.

She just claims to always have a back up plan, and then reminded me that single is kinda not the funnest activity.

She is 3 hours away.

I am still here.

I never thought I would be the one to stay.

Ever.

Bible sworn I was going to leave.

Sitting on the cliff of the place where all the teenagers go to make out magnitude, I thanked her.. Like I haven't been able to before.

For staying.

For taking care of me when I was pretty psycho and emotional and lost and all the things that would give anyone a reason to leave.

She stayed.

Through the chaos, like tornado aftermath worth debris.. she stayed.

Moo has A degenerative disease, click here. Cystic Fibrosis, a longevity of years is something that is not promised to her, lets not even talk about it.

Lets not talk about that I ask her her numbers.

I ask her if she's doing her treatments.

All of the jazz that I never dreamt I would have to know.

Jazz music kills me, really its the worst.

But this girl, she shines.

Have you ever met someone who literally brightens a room?

Like walks in and you think its Midnight on New Years Day and all will be well no matter what?

That's her.

New Years Day.

Sparkling Cider, Blow Horns, Pots and Pans, Confetti and everything.

She's magic.

She sings along to songs she doesn't know, and it isn't until 2 minutes into the song that you realize she doesn't know the words at all, and it makes it your favorite version of the song.

And she's one of the worst drivers in the world by the way, car sick.. every. single. time.

It's a brutal conversation to have with someone you hold so near and dear..

She's been sick lately.

Lower Intestine struggles.

You can pretend the sun is not yellow, but facts are facts and sometimes you have to face them, and admit that it is actually yellow. (what?)

"Mist, I don't want to have this conversation with you at all, I don't know how to have it.. but could you give your mom my number in case something goes wrong?"

She had echoed the same concerns and said she had already thought of it, and a part of our friendship grew and at the same time died. A conversation is too heavy sometimes.

I felt like a grown up in that moment.

But we moved on.

We talked about things I remember.

We talked about things I have forgotten.

She put my heart at ease, telling me there will be a day when I can fix something.

"Misty! Did you just lick my arm?"

The reaction.

My all time favorite photo in the world of all worlds.

And tonight I came home from work to notes from her, she's gone.

Here for a day to play with me.

It was the best day.

Apparently no one is allowed to stay the night.

Which is fine, sharing my bed is not my top ten favorite thing.

She is in my room, I swear.

On my wall.

Twice.

Eh, once.

Apparently there are more.

A pepsi, half full.

It takes up most of her blood stream.

The first thing she did when she got here.

True story.

I begged her to go to a meeting with me Sunday night, and she notified me on the way there that if she was to ever be thrown in jail I would have to come up with a scheme to get thrown in jail, in her very cell so she wouldn't be alone.

Don't worry she's glad she went.

But I was reminded she mean business.

And an over the top, this might make it difficult to apply eye liner- I love you.

Perfect.

I don't know when I'll erase it.

Dry erase markers were made for moments like this.

And on a final note.

P.S. For a moment I have decided not be private.

I think.

Oh I have no idea.