I am without direction with this particular post, granted I know exactly how it will end. Perhaps that is how I will begin, by telling you the end.. some semblance of the final sentence.. and somehow fill in the middle and stumble back to the beginning. It is after a lot of contemplating and soul-searching that I've decided to close down my quite little spot in blogland. I think it's only fair that I tell you that I'm leaving with logical reasoning, because I am not just leaving my blog, I am also leaving yours. Oh, man. That was rough. There is something about leaving your lives that just breaks my heart, but I understand that I have formed relationships far stronger then a comment. Some of you are my most trusted confidants, my daily phone calls etc. I know that I'll be seeing you again, you'll still be a critical key in my happiness, and that is why I know and feel it's ok for me to go.
Ugh, I don't know how to say this. I have erased so many paragraphs. I have stumbled over dozens of sentences, but I can't find the right way to let this go, let you go, and this part of my life go. I guess I must conclude that there is not going to be a beautiful way to say this, if goodbye could be whispered just know I am attempting such a feat. My throat is frozen as are my hands as I try to type another word.
This is the place I love. This is the place I came to upon my heart stopping a few years ago and a couple hospital stays later.. this is where I fought through every tooth and every nail to find a way to live.. before I was ever Red Lipstick and Melodies, I was completely and utterly broken. It's the miracle of my life that I am free from that. Yet, it's made me who I am. And the first few years of this blog will forever tell that portion of my life. This is where I said, "my name is Shaylynn and I'm an alcoholic.." And through it all, I was loved for my weakness, supported and embraced by all of you from thousands and thousands of miles away. This is where I told my greatest fears. This is where I dare share my sweetest victories. Which at times is much harder for me to do. This is where I shared the terror of moving across the country and the slow progression of joy in finding my way. This is the place I fell in love on, various stories of a fiance, a boyfriend or two, and the final bow we took as a couple.. it's all here. This is where I have met the best friend I will ever, ever, ever have. I never would have guessed or imagined it was even possible. It's fitting that my second to last post is a sum up of our journey over the past year. I cannot imagine my life without her, and it's because of this blog that I get to have her in my life.
But as seasons change and life moves on, I know of who I need to become and how I need to go about doing that. I took a year of my life to be selfish, absolutely selfish and focus on one thing, and one thing alone that being sobriety.. and now I'm here, in almost a years time and one brief relapse I have found steady ground, and some semblance of wings to fly now.. And it is with sadness knowing that I must make sacrifices of my time to achieve these goals in my life, and sadness that this place I love is really a time thief.. and so for a season I must go, I must work and focus on the things that will in long run change my life. Six months, a year.. I have no idea.. Who knows anything of tomorrow, anyways?
That's not to say that this place hasn't changed my life.
It has in every possible way, it brought me you.
All of you, some of you came for a season, some of you come in now and then, you're all just blessed my life so greatly over the past year. And I thank you.
Thanks for coming along with me.
I'll see you again.
And I hope you'll have me should I decide to come back one day..