Don't Mess With Me, Buddy.

Laying awake last night.

A heavy weight.

Thinking of the suitcase I should have packed, but refused.

The absolute sorrow of packing for a funeral, a funeral of someone so beloved.

You would think I would be excited.
I get to see my mom.

I get to see my childhood best friend.

I get to see my family.

I get to hug them, and be bombarded with the little ones.

But I'm mad.

Stupid roommates, who woke me up from the sleep that I finally found.

Stuipd idiot, who updated his facebook status to this..

I'm sad about the loss of Whitney Houston but all the singers, acters, (how he spelled it) ect. have got to stop it with drugs! I know it was a prescription but alcohol does not go with drugs!!! I'm not going to be sad when the next one bites the dust when they do something STUPID!!! Why do we call 'em stars when they do something completely stupid!!!

She is someones mother.

Someones daughter.

Someones sister.

Someones best friend.
and..

She is a daughter of God, whose earthly battle consisted of a battle with addiction.

And it's shallow minded individuals like him that just kill me.

Maybe its the sensitivity behind the scenes of my life, the simple fact, that doesn't define me, but has most definitely shaped me into who I am, and who I am trying to become.. that my name is Shay, and I am an alcoholic.. (for the record, I have never mentioned being an alcoholic on this blog, I have mentioned having a problem with drinking, but that is quiet open for interpretation,  it's personal, and I do not do it for attention, please note)

And I go to meetings, multiple times a week, I do whatever it takes, and does it make me less then human? Does my star not shine as brightly, because I took a drink once, and that drink never stopped, I had no idea.. the spin my life would go on.

It's not something to brag about.
It's an awful thing to put yourself through, and especially those around you.
But sobriety is something to be proud of.

Or maybe its the fact that my friend relapsed and in the spin of one simple night, took his life, and left behind two small children, just before Christmas less then two months ago.
And there was and still continues to be such unexplainable sadness attached to it.

So, I'm mad.

But I also know there is room in that anger for compassion, and sadness for someone so small minded.

And then this morning as I was driving to work, with thick fog..

And that semi cut me off, and my middle finger found him.. ( I don't usually do that)

all I thought was..

Don't mess with me, Buddy.. (uh, and a few expletives)

Yet, in reality he probably couldn't see me in the fog, and I did a stupid thing, without thinking.. kinda like people saying stupid things.. without really thinking..

 

Apparently there are stages of grief.

Pretty sure I'm in the angry stage.
I woke up that way.
Oh man.

Stick with me guys, I promise this is just a temporary.