How To Stay Single F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (pronounced sandlot style)

Hi, its me again.

Okay.

I have been single since the beginning of September.

So four months, almost half of the time it requires to cook a baby.

I am really good at being single.

And doing the math on pregnancy.

I don't mind it, the single part..

I am super qualified in being self centered and only having to take care of myself, and watching girly movies, and never having to put down the toilet seat, and never ever watching sporting events, and cleaning out the bathroom sink full of whiskers is never necessary.. and only having to do my laundry is just so great, I'm really good at doing it once a month, and being lazy enough to go buy some gosh dang underwear rather then doing my laundry.. you know.. the basics.  Oh and never cooking, I can cook, but I never do.  I could go on and on and on.. but I kinda already have..

 

I am very respectful of whoever I date, and I think you need to give yourself a good amount of time to move on, so you don't compare your x to the new o.

And its absolutely horrifying to repeatedly call the new o x, you know?

I have done that.

  Lots.

Time is different for everyone, we all have hearts that mend on their own different time frame.

Anyways focus Shaylynn..

I had a date/blind date lined up.

His name is Steve.

And he works at TJ Maxx.

(oh, p.s. I actually unknowingly met him earlier this week, and I just.. nope)

Long story short I realized that if we went out, I probably wouldn't ever go out with him again, I know that sounds awful, but I know me.

And I just became so overwhelmed by the idea of having to avoid TJ's for the rest of my life/time in this town that I almost cried.

*oh, might be on my period x a million percent.

I cannot wait to NEVER have one ever again.

Menopause sounds like Christmas to me.

Hot flashes are fine by me.

It would mean my feet wouldn't be cold anymore.

And it would also mean that I would be retired, which is divinity.

I'm going to wear depends even if I don't need them when I age.

I'm going to be one of those people.

Just the other day a patient said.. "oh to be young.."

To which I replied..

"Oh to be old and retired.."

And I freakin meant it, they knew I was serious by the end of the convo.

So back to this date.

Some things just aren't worth it.

And I am just not that strong.

I need that store and it needs me.

It's like the fourth date I have cancelled in twoish months.

Go me.

I finally have nailed it..

How To Stay Single F.O.R.E.V.E.R

A how to..

A guide for those with obvious dating phobias.

Just cancel all of them.

I hate dating.

I really do.

I was really good at it over the summer.

Two dates every Saturday.

Almost every weeknight.

It was obviously a fluke.

So, I've decided to just rob a bank.

Bank is still undecided.

Move to Europe.

Become fluent in Italian.

And do absolutely nothing but consume mass quantities of gelatto and warm grapes and run through fields of gold/sunflowers.

Send postcards via my alias because I will obviously be a criminal.

"Greetings From Tuscany."

That's my alias.

I totally could get away with it.

It's when I spend 10 minutes writing a post like this that I start to worry about myself a lot.

Dating?

Shmating.

I'd rather pull someone else's teeth out.

Not my own obviously, that would hurt.

I love you all.

Including you.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to go watch Little Women.

Jo will teach me to be fearless.

And I will just fast forward through Beth dying.

Because I think I might just die with her one of these times.

Don't you just love ecards?

I do.

And post Script.
This is not a post about me feeling sorry for myself for still being single.
I really don't mind.