How To End 2011.

I guess I could skim through my Red Lipstick & Melodies memory bank/posts of 2011 and post a few photos here and there..

Point out a memory, a day, an event, things I lived through, breathed through, survived through, loved through.. etc.

But rather then skim a bazillion photos and posts, I am choosing a different route.

I think Jan 2011 crushed a part of me, and haunted me for a really long time.

Too much unfolded, too much tore me down.

I distinctly recall watching the fireworks across the sky marking a new year.. knowing that some out there in my small world were so hopeful and optimistic because of their lights...  Some were allowing a healing to take place with each burst of color.  I however thought to myself, - I think 2011 is going to be a difficult year. -

And it was.

But the ending months of 2011 taught me a great deal.

That I alone am powerless in some respects, and yet it is all within my power to change my world.

I closed endless doors, leaving worlds that were once connected locked and bolted away, forever.

I had a door shut and closed off to me, and as lonely as a room as it is to be in, I have learned to take comfort in new surroundings, sometimes believe it or not the unfamiliar becomes your favorite place.

I know that when my world is in chaos. I have to sometimes remove myself from others until I mend the storm, and the debris and havoc of it all in managed in such a way.

I erased six months of my blog this year.

I believe some things are better respected then remembered.

I feel in love twice this year.

I fell out only once.

Love doesn't always leave when wished for, it changes with time and lessens in its power and grasp.

I went back to Pennsylvania and its ever so lovely fields, and I kissed my kids most likely for the very last time.  Its funny how a job can change your life, and matter so deeply.

3 little hearts forever woven within my own.
I haven't drawn a single thing this year, a year and half of my art ignored, perhaps 2012 will bring its renewal, because I am just that.. an artist.
My book neglected, the characters very much waiting to be brought to life.. live another page.. another chapter.

My dear beloved friend Caleb took his life two short weeks ago, and it caused such a great pain that I will fail to express.  Its too soon to go down this road, perhaps I never will, maybe I'll just say how thankful I am for a loving Father in Heaven who caused a miracle to happen and allowed for my body to mend, and the impossible to be possible, I lived.  And everyday I live I find it gets easier.

I listened to Adele for months on end, and yet my love for her voice and lyrics grew.. but uhm, alas as the year has faded and Adele my love, we need a break.

Four short days ago my grandmother suffered a heart attack.  Standing in the ICU room, machines beeping their haunting various sounds of exsistence, the fragility of life once again placed on my heart, I watched as my grandfather brushed my grandmothers hair from her forehead, and lowered himself to her level, and I saw love in a way I never have before, I am not a believer in fairy tales, but I just might be now.
The French don't make resolutions, rather wishes.
Wishes are our greatest hopes set to fire.
I wish for 2012 to challenge me, and in the end make me better.
Today I sat at lunch with my good friend, and over and over I found myself saying.. how much I have learned from this year.
I wasn't who I wanted to be this year, but I got there, and am getting there, step by step, breath by breath, mistake by mistake, choice by choice, luck by luck, dance by dance, song by song, prayer by prayer... and blessing by blessing.
So thankful this year won't define me, but it will add up to what defines me in the end.
So here's to a thousand wishes this year.

(this picture makes me laugh so insanely much) 

The Songs Of 2011.

"A song memorized but never felt at all.. " Emily West.

A song is a gift.. I feel every note. 

She Went Quietly. Charlie Winston

A Case Of You. James Blake

Stepping Stone Kate York

Hell Of A Year, Keri Noble.

On My Own, Lisa Scinta

Skinny Love, Birdy.

Kiss Quick, Matt Nathanson

Southener, Trent Dabbs

This Beautiful Ache, Ernie Halter.

Thank You For Nothing, Elizabeth & The Catapult

Do Not Hang Your Head, Elizabeth & The Catapult

Last Kiss, Taylor Swift

Someone Like You, Adele (uh, this song has 88 million hits.)

Emphasis, Sleeping At Last

A Place Only You Can Go, NEEDTOBREATHE

Poison & Wine, The Civil Wars

Shock To My System, Gemma Hayes

&

That's all I want to post.. :)

Oh I Need This Hair, Now. Michelle Tanner/The Twins I Grew Up With

This is really important.

I want her hair.

Something fierce.
Like Michelle Tanner hair.

Remember when Uncle Jesse moved out?

(P.S.... I was totally in love with Uncle Jesse..)

Single tear going down his face while holding that pink pig?

Traumatic childhood experience watching that episode.

Well, I had that EXACT reaction when I saw her hair.

Except I don't believe in holding framed art tightly to my chest while scrolling online through blogs.

But I need iiiiiiit.

I do.

I need it.

badly.

But my stupid hair is THIS SHORT..

I

I

\/

(that is a clever little arrow)

Bleeping, bleeping, bleeping short hair.

I loved you, but we are through.

You have been good to me, except for that whole not getting out of bed soon enough, and WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH MY HAIR ITS TOO SHORT FOR  A PONY LOOK.. and I feel so ugly and gross all day.

We need to take a break.

A longish-er hair kind of break.

No extensions.

Just grow.. grow.. grow.

I think I'm gonna go buy some prenatal vitamins.

OMG.

What if they make me pregnant?
JK.

I'm not that much of a case.

I love this gosh dang song for some reason.

Lights.

Take my city and set it on digital fire and I will be content in its beauty.

(or just take a pictre without a flash, while driving by..)

Once again, here I am.. the ending of a year.

Tomorrow is the simple promise of renewal, and oh how I need it.

I can't quite remember which phase the moon is in tonight, all I know for certain is I am craving the sunrise.

Oh to be renewed, what a gift the sun brings.

I need it.

Oh. I do.

Sometimes God calms the storm.

Sometimes he lets the storm rage.

And calms His child.

In Case You Haven't heard.

I love sarcastic human being.

They are my favorite kinds.

Love.

He's Gone Now.

When uttered words are failing me.

When the ground beneath me seems to shake.
When my heart seems to have shifted lower in my body.

When my mind feels clouded with truth too real.

I always find my refuge here.

My friend chose to leave our world yesterday.

Words will fail me.

I will fall short.

So I won't try this time.

All I know for sure is that I know.

I know.
I know.

I know.

I know.

Every part of my journey through out this life.

I know.

I believe we must in order to survive this life turn our hearts over to God.

Caleb saw it fit to turn his entire heart over to him to mend what simply was impossible on his own.
Like my favorite hymn..

Where Can I Turn For Peace..

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?

Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

Pray for his boys.

Pray for his now resting heart.

Forgive someone you need to forgive.

And above all.

Forgive yourself.

He's gone now.

He was just here, he's gone now.

Oh how much someone right next to you can be broken.

Oh how much this hurts.

Oh how much I cherish my life now.

Love each other.

Love each other.

Love each other.

Could I have saved you?

Would that betray you?

Oh, There You Are Christmas.

Ideally I am six years old laying across the top of my barbie doll house, the night is frozen with the anticipation of Santa Clause.. All of my senses are heightened as I wait for the sound of the bells and the reindeer skidding across my roof, finding me.. actually finding me.

I convinced myself I heard them, and I threw myself into my bed, and quickly fell asleep.

Resting with the complete assurance that he had actually found me, little old me.. even at that age I was so concerned he wouldn't find me.  Imagination put my worried little heart to rest.

I've watched the lights go up around my neighborhood.

I've been getting "Merry Christmas.." From my patients.

And I am always so happy to say it back.

However I was so concerned that I just wouldn't be able to find Christmas.

I felt a vacancy in the season.

But.

My mom is here now.

And I swear the air tastes like peppermint.

The chill in the air is hand delivered from frosty himself, as he sweeps the walkways of the north pole.

The lights are brighter, and full of so much more hope.

Its easier to say I love you.

Its easier to imagine Christmas.

I might even manage to convince myself that I hear Rudolph & his best friends.. Might.

It's moments like this. 

Blurry yet perfect.

Oh, there you are Christmas.

Its moments.

These moments..

That make my heart swell.

With the purest appreciation and bittersweet gratitude for the gift of recovery in my life.

I can't imagine the great heartache that my life ending would have inflicted upon their worlds, their lives, their holidays, their good, their bad, their everything..

I can't imagine Christmas being so painful at times for any of them.

I am so thankful tonight for my family.

I am so thankful for the healing I have had in my life, and for the medical and emotional support I have had.

I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows so much better than I, and knew it wasn't my time.

Because I can't imagine missing this.

And I can't imagine being back in a place where I longed to miss this.

I remember the cold that never left.

I remember the joy that I just couldn't find.

I remember the chill in the middle of summer.

I remember the numbness that clouded my mind and heart.
I remember an ache that never subsided.

I remember the powerlessness to overcome.

I remember my very last thought before I slipped under.

I remember.

Oh how I remember.

I have such an appreciation for that memory, what it meant, what it did, what I endured.

And I am just so content in knowing that it is just that, a memory.

Life is good.

Chrismas is all around.

And I am so happy.

Funniest YouTube Video In The World.

S*@# girls say..

Edited for my blog.

I wish I had a potty-less mouth, heaven only know I think I invented it.

I saw this floating around twitter/facebook.

I finally caved and watched it on one of my favorite musicians fb posts.. I figure she's brilliant she won't post something that is dumb..

Let me tell you..

I have never ever ever laughed so hard at a youtube video in my life.

The chips, the chips, the chips..

I DO THAT.
Oh my gosh.
I DO THAT.
It was one of those moments, for sure.

I don't say twinsies.. other then that, I am pretty guilty.

Just laugh.
and laugh.
and then probably laugh some more.

I Might Be Defective.

Pretty sure something is off.

This whole not having an appetite really..

Nothing tastes good..
Tired, like so tired..

I might be defective.

I think I need my mom.

And a really long nap.

And possibly a cheerful song.
And maybe.. just maybe.. to find the glitter that lines my clouds.

Crying over nothing kind of day.

Well something, but I just don't even wanna talk about.

Sometimes I wish I was a little tougher.
I have so many good days now then when the bad days come..
I kinda get lost and have no idea what to do.

You know?
Tell me you know..

Snow, Metaphor Style.

I live in the desert now.

I've left Pennsylvania and its fields of simplicity and yet endless wonder.. behind.

I no longer feel the brutal entrapment of humidity, the way it seeps into your bones and stays as if wanted.

However..

I miss the way the snow would fall so softly, leaving me with a world so white and I dare say magical.

The reality that no flake that falls is ever identical to the one before.

When I get to heaven I long to be in charge of the sky.

Like I said, I live in the desert now.

Snow does not fall here, maybe a flake when the sun forgets that it is supposed to be a little bit closer to this particular part of the earth.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

I wonder if I were back in my element of white powder if I could find the season again.

I think that once the season has passed, I'll look back and think.. Oh there you were, so lovely and kind, with all of your sights, sounds, and smells.. and I will miss it, funny how I am missing something that I am currently a part of.

Snow.
Someone who I removed from my life a few years ago has recently contacted me, and tried to mend the the bridge and find a way back.
I am quite positive that some bridges burn for a reason.
Intentional or accidental.
When someone strikes a match and sets a deliberate fire that burns, with wildfire strength.. and they leave you burned with permanent scars that fade but never really leave.. I think it entitles you to freedom from them without guilt and without reserve. 
Their mark on your life is enough of a memory.
However, I do know that I have made choices in my life that have burned bridges, and I have waited on my side of the world.. and waited for the snow to melt away, and reveal the truth that my side of the world is green again, no longer cold or frozen over with regret and mistakes.  I've been in need of forgiveness.

Where do we draw the line?
Where do I draw the line?
How do I find trust with someone who is just as capable of change as I am, however my fear is so thickly laced with memory.
I do not know.

Anyone?
Anyone?

Yesterday as I was fumbling with YouTube, I listened to this song, it echos my heart right now.
Second chances.
However I still have no idea what to do.

Tell me, k?

Sleeping At Last

The branches have traded

Their leaves for white sleeves

All warm blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe

Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees

Christmas lights tangle in knots annually

All families huddle closely

Betting warmth against the cold

All the bruises seem to surface

Like mud beneath the snow

So we sing carols softly

As sweet as we know

A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go

Like young love still waiting under mistletoe

We'll welcome December with tireless hope

Let our bells keep on ringing

Making angels in the snow

And may the melody disarm us

When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts

The table is set

And all glasses are full

The pieces go missing

May we still feel whole

We'll build new traditions in place of the old

Cause life without revision will silence our souls

Let the bells keep on ringing

Making angels in the snow

And may the melody surround us

When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts

As gentle as feathers

The snow piles high

Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time

Like fresh plates and clean slates

Our future is white

New Years resolutions are reset tonight

Forgetting You.

You slowly left my life.

It took forever, endless recollections.

Like I said.

You left my life, so very slowly..
I let you.

I didn't fight.

I didn't fight more then I knew you wanted me to.

I could have.
I may have here and there, and where ever else we leave unanswered prayers..

I am a fighter when I know its my place.

Its not to say you weren't worth the effort, you were.

I am just aware of every mistake.

Every jagged piece of glass that remained of our memories built together, and what the future could have, or may have been.  That mirror holds no reflection now, I couldn't gather those pieces together if I tried.

The quiet vacancy of your memory is hallowed out by the gift of time.

I can no longer remember your voice.

I can no longer remember your laugh.

It's the little things that you take for granted when you have someone, the tiniest quirks that make them unique.. that always leave you the fastest.

It's haunting how quickly someone can simply become... gone.

 

Today I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life.

Those I've kept.

Those I've lost.
Those I've loved.

Those I've been in love with.

Those I promised to marry.

Those I broke up with.

Those I feel slipping through my fingers, like water that is too free to be held.

Those I know in my hopeful heart of hearts.. that will always stay.

It hasn't been a painful walk down memory lane.

A simple appreciation for what I have learned and who I have become because of who I have known them.

At times memory serves as the kindest medicine to those who have become a memory.
You take what you can, and eventually you will get better.

The first paragraph isn't directed at any specific person.

Just an accumulation of the few I've lost along the way.

Someone said the other night, "pain is inevitable, we can't avoid, can't hide, but it is the greatest teacher."

I have made epic-ly (not a word) poor decisions and lost.

I had others make epic-ly (not a word) poor decision, and lost.

Such is life.

Leaves scatter once fall has faded into winter and a tree is left barren yet once again.  However against all odds of such a long winter.. a trees branches will be filled to overflowing with the company of green leaves, and blossoms will bloom. 

We lose.

We gain.

I have a great optimism for the future.

I have quiet regrets for some of the decisions I have made this year.

I have a few that might haunt me, but not in a heavy all consuming I can't do this kind of way..

Such is life.

Memory is a shadow that follows us when the sun is just right, and we can't avoid it.

I remember so many.

But quietly and honestly and respectfully.

This year I battled something so heavy. 

I don't mention the battle on this blog, because its too personal, and I am just not that brave.

Maybe slight insights, and blaring obviousness in my avoidance.
But I am better.

I am doing so much better.

(fyi, this has always been my favorite quote)

This is me.

And I have tomorrow and today to be better.

And I am not afraid to be point out my weaknesses & the things I can always improve upon.

I clearly have a million things I can work on.

If I ever give the impression of being perfect, you sure as heck don't really read my blog.

We were built to fall short, so we could learn from the lapses & gaps of inconsistency.

I'm forgetting you.

But in the kind of way where when I find myself remembering you I can say, "I love you for what you gave me."

I'm forgetting you.

But in the kind of way where I am so hopeful and aware and able to learn from my mistakes that I made with you, that I soon won't have to say to another person.. "I love you for what you gave me."

Rather keep them my whole life through.

She's got an Adele/Haunting/Brilliance about her.

P.S. America, I might leave this country becasue of you.

Paula, Nicole, and dude with the glasses.. You're all on my list.

Google her.

Listen to her sing Must Of Been Love.

I Pretty Much Hate Todays Fashion.

I really am just struggling....

dot. dot. dot.

With.

Today's

Fashion.

Ugh.

I almost dread walking into a clothing store..

I can't even begin to figure out how to wear these poncho, bed sheet, shirts or whatever you wanna call them.

I hate them.

All.

My poor friend asked me to go shopping with her to the other day..

Pretty sure she made the wrong decision..

Our conversation went as follows..

Monika: Shay, do you like this outfit..?

Shay: Uh...

Monika: I think its the pants, but I love the shirt.

Shay.. Uhhh...

ChyAnn: That shirt makes you look huge!

Shay: Yeah, and you're so tiny..

Monika: You guys, its fashionable, its what people are wearing.

Shay: Mon.. it looks like a parachute.. like you would be set if we were jumping out of plane.

Real conversation.

You guys.. I hate today's clothing.

The hippie ridiculousness of it all.

Oh and these sweaters from the 70's that are pretending to be cute.. oh man I just hate it so much, I'm totally whining right now..

I get it, but I totally don't.

I'm not going to post pictures because I don't wanna hurt all y'alls feelings if your heart skips a beat when you walk into a store full of shirt tents & parachutes.

The worst.

Don't get me wrong.

I enjoy some of the trends..

Red Lipstick.

Oh & FYI, notice how some celebs are snipping away their long locks?

Just tryin to be like me, huh Katy Perry..

And notice my yellow cedar chest.

I've been super busy painting everything I own yellow, its really dramatic.

But yellow is cheerful and I've decided to abandon my neutrals for the trendy sunflower yellow. 

Ignore my tank top on the floor, and the really classy cords to the side.

Today one of my best friends sent me this picture.

I nearly fell over laughing.

Feathers in the hair was a trend I NEVER understood.

But oh man..  how brilliant is Brooke right now?

Come on, so brilliant.

Don't be offended if you have/or have had a feather in your hair.

I don't think they're ugly.

I just don't get it is all, and don't have a desire to have one.

I just need the good old days.

Where shirts were long.. to come back.

And for simple and plain to be ordinary again.

All this other crap is totally ruining my life.

(Side note)

I have listened to this song Lea sings for New Years Eve (so going Saturday night) 800 times.

So sad Itunes will make me buy the whole soundtrack.

No way.

No way.

Bittersweet Ride..

 Life is such a bittersweet roller coaster ride, sometimes the gradual decent which leads to the quick drop that leaves you reeling.. is such a peaceful consistency you don't ever see the fall coming, and once it does it leaves you gripping to any surface, clinging for dear life.. wondering if you're prepared, and if you'll make it off the ride at all..  "Slow down, slow down, slow down.. "  Have you ever felt your life spin, felt the rush of days going by so quickly, like watching an infant grow, and you softly plead.. "Slow down.. slow down.. slow down.. you're growing too fast, or watching a loved one age, and you plead at the oddest times, "Dear God, please let them live forever.." I did that yesterday.

Tonight someone asked me, "What is your deepest wish?"

I had no need to pause to reflect.

"To be a mother.."

I am 27 years old, and I have a yearning so profoundly painful to be a mother at times.

I know I am have so many flaws, a deep rooted struggle with something that I choose to fight, I am no where near perfect, but I know in my heart of hearts, that I have a heart shaped to be a mother.

I wait.

I ache a bit.

I would love to see the world.

I would love to have a Vespa that takes me on the streets of Europe.

I would love to know what the streets of Tuscany feel like to walk on. Cobblestone memories.

I would love to pick up all the pieces of my life and be completely whole.

I would love to be cured.

I would love to the girl that I try to be, and sometimes fall so short of being.

I would love to find a man to love me my entire life.

I would hate to sound so selfish in my next sentence, however...

Life.. please.. "Go faster, go faster.. go faster I beg.." 

I'm so ready for a change.

This isn't a sad post.

This is just very raw.

This is very honest.

It might just be exactly where my life is right now.

I've changed my world so much the past few months.

For the better.

For the absolute better.

Here's to my roller coaster.

I'm ready.

Holding on so tight and ready to have my world flip upside down, sideways, backwards..

So ready. 

"Remember when we said we would live forever? We would paint over the writing on the wall.. Chase that sunset til we're blind, and we'll wake up to find.. We are only human, after all..  If I'd known that it would end, I would've paid a little more attention, memorized every look and touch.. every fragment of us.. Remember we said we were gonna live forever.."

P.S. Every song I add via video is because I love it, and want to remember it when I Itunes it up:)

Babies Are The Best Neosporin.

As of late I have been convinced that life is hard.

I won't elaborate.

Mostly because I did two posts ago;)

And I have so very much to be thankful for.

I spent Saturday watching my niece Olivia.

It was Neosporin for my soul.

I need this little spirit.

This little soul.

Thou Shalt Not Covet.

I am so envious of momma's.

I know its so hard.

Hello, nanny.. 6-6 5 days a week + weekends.. etc.

I soaked in my time with her.

You swear you won't forget perfect days, but you do..

Documented now.

I love her so.

Notice the mild concern?

Dogs.

Two of them.

Not really sleeping.. 

Totally fakin.

Thank you so much for the first aid O.

You helped save my troubled heart.

A Pretty Useless Blog About Crying..

A couple weeks ago I called my mom crying.

Hard core.

Lose your breath, throat hurting.. WWWWWWWWWAH.

Before that it had been months, literally months since I had cried.

I've decided something is seriously wrong with me.

I guess there really isn't a rule in the crying department, right?

1. You must cry once a week.

2. You must never cry on the first of the month.

3. You know, none of those are rules.

WELL.

I've decided that there is something inside of me that literally freezes when my throat is on fire with the potential for tears and and I will psyche myself out enough that I never will cry.  My own internalized tear extinguisher.

On occasion I will watch TV or a movie and some music will start playing and I will get the throat thing going, but once again I will psyche myself out.

Sometimes I'll tell myself I cried because my eyes were a little full..

But uh, not the same.
Or the super dramatic voice shake.
But uh, not the same.

Lets not forget that I have spent a few dozen hours of my life with a therapist.
Did I cry in any of those sessions?
Nope.

If someone I love or a friend (I guess I love those people too) starts crying, like hard core, I will not cry.  I want to but I can't, because usually their tears are for the most tragic reason. Frozen, like an ice cube in the middle of the coldest day in history.

ONCE, ONCE in my life I had a friend call me who was going through a divorce and it was the worst conversation in the history of the universe, her sobbing just killed me and so I cried. THAT WAS ONCE. A one time deal.

I guess I cried when my niece was in pain the other day, and she was reaching for me, "Shay, Shay.." Who the heck wouldn't cry? But I think the reason I actually cried was because the day was going terribly unwell and I was super sick of everyone. Except my niece of course, and uh it was sad. Whatever.

I think its healthy to cry right?

Clearly I am unhealthy.

The only time I really ever cry is when I miss someone.  And PMS is busy punching my every estrogen filled, blah, blah, blah that I have, and being tired is added to it.

I always feel better after I cry.

But I just don't cry.

This week has been a little much and I knew if I just cried and got it over with I would feel better?

Why is that?

Really?

But I can't cry.

I won't.

It's not to say that I am not an emotional person because you can bet your life I am, oh gees.  Sometimes I wake up evil for no reason, and the ice chips off through out the day.  Sometimes (as Misty learned yesterday) I just won't talk, can't talk, the fewer words the better.  Shut down mode, I go into it, its really healthy.

Also, for another totally useless fact: I could never be an actress because there is no way I could cry on cue.

I don't even know how to cry in real gosh dang life.

Oh man.

Cry.

Cry.

Cry.

Are you a frequent crier?
Lets cry about it.

Move On & Shut Up.

I MIGHT be venting on this post, if my title didn't just blow that right up into the SUPER OBVIOUS category.

I just like this picture.

Not related at all. 

Oh life.

My dearest and most beloved friend Misty lost her father yesterday.

Goodbye to Mike.

My dearest and most beloved friend Jenna gave birth to a baby boy just a few short hours ago.

Hello Ryker.

Oh life.

What a tender web of kindness and sorrow you have been weaving in and out of the lives of those I love the very most.



Oh life.

I need to talk about my life tonight.

The past few days have been so bizarre and uncomfortable, and in a short time frame I am sure I will forget that the last week of November 2011 was a little much, but until forgotten I think its best I come here.  You may not relate I don't know.

And I just wrote 5 paragraphs and erased them.

Sometimes I borderline on too personal.

I'll sum it up.
Attempt #2:

I feel like a I am losing a friend, watching her slowly but surely disappear, and become a vacancy, a ghost.

Sometimes we just lose one another, for a season, or a lifetime.

I feel like finding out that an old friend who is no longer a friend at all - due to our pathetic choices, is having a baby.. should be a wonderful feeling.  It is, oh she wanted another baby so badly.  But my heart aches, and tears just fell.  There was no reasoning, simply sadness, wishing that the world was just a little larger, and word didn't travel quite so fast.  My dear old friend, my dear old lost friend, oh how I regret, oh how I wish.  Oh how I have prayed. It's easier now.  Oh how I feel.. so bittersweet. Gosh dang it.

"nothing compares, no worries or cares.  regrets and mistakes they are memories made. who would have known how bittersweet- this would taste..
Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you for two.."

I feel like people shouldn't speak unkindly or harshly about someone else on facebook, because that person will find out.  It's bullying, using their name.. its juvenile, and so rude.  Yes, the world really is that small and someone will tell someone, aka.. .ME.  "The truth will come out.."  The truth did come out, that would be why all hell broke loose when I owned up to being an active part of the gossip, (even if true) (and I didn't know who the crap to believe) thanks. I maned up and went to the number one source, and admitted and it was awful, but in order to be a better person, I KNEW I HAD TO.  Being two faced is not good for your complexion.  It was brutal. I've admitted it here, I was a gossipy high schooler this year, and I was an idiot. It wasn't even horrible gossip, but it wasn't nice by any means.  "The truth came will come out.."  Who cares.  It did.  Move on and lets all just shut up, I'll never speak of it again. Ever.  Nor will I ever become friends with a group of people who are already "friends" ever.

(My roommate cranking up the heat in the middle of the night, turning on the water when she goes to the bathroom, or 40 minute hot water stealing showers- status updates do not count, name not used, and its not unkind, its facts of the day.:))

Sometimes rules just have to apply to everyone but me:)

I feel like having a conversation with a stranger on the phone the other night, broke my heart.

He and I figured out who we had in common.

My family was drawn into it.

And it cut me to the core.

I wish people were less judgemental.

I wish people knew that we are all so susceptible to falling, and failing, and losing our faith and our solid ground, and making the worst choices.

I feel like it broke my heart.

I feel like I am having the worst gosh dang day.

I think someone should delurk, might make me feel better.

:)

It was a good day, but the days are catching up with me.

Is anyone else feeling the need to have a I feel like moment??

A little tired.

I love him so much.